AFTER. 
DINNER 


^ 


fere's  a  ISTrto  ©tie 


A  Bool^  of  After  Dinner  Stories 


By 
Adolph  Davidson 


H.  M.  CALDWELL  CO. 

PUBLISHERS 
NEW  YORK  AND  BOSTON 


Copyright,  1913 
H.  M.  Caldwell  Co. 


THE  COLONIAL  PRESS 
C.  H.  8IMONDS  St  CO.,  BOSTON,  V.  S.  A. 


1L 


6(61 
1° 


Mm'%  &  MtW  <&nt 


A  PERSONAL  QUESTION 

At  Denver  a  few  weeks  ago  a  colored  woman 
presented  herself  at  a  registration  booth  with 
the  intention  of  enrolling  and  casting  her  first 
vote  in  the  ensuing  election. 

She  gave  her  name,  her  address  and  her  age ; 
and  then  the  clerk  of  registration  asked  this 
question : 

"  What  party  do  you  affiliate  with?  " 

The  woman's  eyes  popped  out. 

"  Does  I  have  to  answer  dat  question?  "  she 
demanded. 

"  That  is  the  law,"  he  told  her. 

"  Den  you  jes'  scratch  my  name  off  en  dem 
books,"  she  said.  "  Ef  I  got  to  tell  his  name  I 
don't  want  to  vote.  Why,  he  ain't  got  his  divorce 
yit!" 

And  out  she  stalked. 

5 


DECEITFULLY  POLITE 

An  Irishman  was  going  along  the  road  when 
an  angry  bull  rushed  at  him  and  tossed  him  over 
a  fence. 

The  Irishman,  recovering  from  his  fall,  upon 
looking  up,  saw  the  bull  pawing  and  tearing  up 
the  grounds,  as  is  the  custom  of  the  animal  when 
irritated,  whereupon  he  smiled  at  the  animal  and 
said: 

"  If  it  was  not  for  your  bowing  and  scraping  and 
your  humble  apologies,  you  brute,  faix,  I  should 
think  that  you'd  thrown  me  over  this  fence  on 
purpose." 

HE  COULDN'T  TELL 

Theodore  Lane,  who  resided  at  the  home  of 
his  parents,  had  a  toothache  the  other  morning. 
It  was  a  bad  toothache,  too,  and  Theodore  let 
the  neighborhood  know  all  about  it.  But  when 
his  father  got  home  that  evening  (this  is  accord- 
ing to  his  father)  the  boy  was  calm  and  seemed 
at  peace. 

"  Has  your  tooth  stopped  aching,  Teddy? " 
asked  Theodore,  Sr. 

"  I  don't  know,"  answered  the  youngster. 

"  Don't  know?    Why,  what  do  you  mean?  " 

"  It's  out." 

6 


fere's  a  Ntto  ®nt 

GOT  WHAT  HE  COULD 

The  great  specialist's  patient,  after  many 
weeks  of  treatment,  had  at  last  been  declared 
cured  of  an  "  incurable  "  disease,  and  with  a 
grateful  feeling  he  asked  the  physician  the  amount 
of  his  bill. 

"  That  depends,  my  dear  sir,"  said  the  special- 
ist. "  Whenever  I  treat  a  man  I  always  make 
it  a  point  to  determine  his  occupation  and  how 
large  a  family  he  has  to  support.  Then  I  make 
out  my  bill  accordingly.  May  I  ask  what  you  do 
for  a  living?  " 

"  I  am  a  poet,"  replied  the  patient  soulfully. 

"  In  that  case,"  said  the  physician,  "  if  you 
will  give  me  the  money  in  cash  now,  it'll  be  a 
dollar  and  a  half." 

HARD  TO  FORGET 

11  Beg  pardon,  sir,"  observed  the  tough-looking 
waiter,  suggestively.  "  Gentlemen  at  this  table 
usually  —  er  —  remember  me,  sir." 

"  I  don't  wonder,"  said  the  customer,  cor- 
dially. "  That  mug  of  yours  would  be  hard  to 
forget." 

And  he  picked  up  his  bill  and  strolled  leisurely 
in  the  direction  of  the  cashier. 

7 


44  AND  THEY  KICK,  TOO  " 

Pat  was  standing  near  the  car  track  when  he 
noticed  an  automobile  coming  up  the  street,  and 
to  be  safe  he  stepped  back  a  little. 

The  auto  went  past,  and,  just  as  it  was  passing, 
the  driver  had  an  occasion  to  turn  off  the  track. 
When  he  did,  the  auto  skidded  on  the  track, 
causing  the  back  end  of  it  to  swing  around, 
striking  Pat  and  knocking  him  down. 

Pat  was  seen  to  get  up  and  look  after  the 
car  and  say,  "  Now  p'hat  do  ye  think  o'  that? 
Whin  ye  stand  in  front  o'  thim,  they  run  over 
ye;  and  whin  ye  git  out  o'  the  way  to  let  thim 
pass,  they  turn  around  and  kick  ye." 

SAID  IN  PASSING 

"  Speak  about  sloppiness  in  women !  there's 
a  first-class  example  across  the  street,"  grunted 
the  woman-hater,  pointing  to  a  woman  opposite 
them.  "  See  how  she  holds  one  side  of  her  skirts 
up  above  her  knees  and  lets  the  other  drag  along 
in  the  mud.    That's  a  sloppy  woman,  that  is ! " 

"  I'll  speak  to  her  about  it,"  quietly  annexed 
his  companion. 

"Eh!    You  know  her?" 

"  Yes.    She's  my  wife." 

8 


AGAIN  THE  WEATHER 

"  Depressing  sort  of  a  day  this,"  said  the  guest 
at  a  small  hotel,  sitting  down  to  breakfast.  "  Yes, 
sir,"  replied  the  waiter.  "  Even  the  milk,  you 
will  notice,  has  got  the  blues  badly." 

TOO  MUCH  HOT  AIR 

"  How  will  you  have  your  hair  cut,  sir?  "  said 
talkative  barber  to  the  man  in  the  chair. 

"  Minus  conversational  prolixity." 

"  How's  that,  sir?  " 

"  With  abbreviated  or  totally  eliminated  nar- 
ration." 

"  —  er  —  don't  quite  catch  your  meaning,  sir." 

"  With  quiescent  mandibulars." 

"  Which?  » 

"  Without  effervescent  verbosity,"  impatiently 
exclaimed  the  customer,  who  was  rapidly  showing 
signs  of  anger  because  the  tonsorial  artist  in 
charge  of  the  second  chair  had  failed  to  grasp 
the  import  of  his  explanations. 

"  Sir?  " 

"  Let  diminutive  colloquy  be  conspicuous  by 
its  absence." 

The  hairdresser  scratched  his  head  thought- 
fully for  a  second  and  then  went  over  to  the  pro- 
prietor of  the  shop  with  the  whispered  remark: 

9 


"  I  don't  know  whether  that  gentleman  in 
my  chair  is  mad  or  a  foreigner,  but  for  the  life 
of  me  I  cannot  find  out  what  style  he  wants  his 
hair  cut." 

The  proprietor  went  to  the  waiting  customer 
and  said  politely: 

"  My  assistant  doesn't  seem  to  understand 
you,  sir.    How  would  you  like  your  hair  cut?  " 

"  In  silence." 

The  proprietor  gave  a  withering  look  at  his 
assistant,  while  the  latter  began  work  and  felt 
so  utterly  crushed  that  he  never  even  asked  his 
patient  if  he'd  buy  a  bottle  of  hair  restorer. 

THE  APPARITION 

The  night  watchman  of  a  large  hotel  saw  an 
apparition  in  white  moving  along  the  hall  at  2 
A.  M.  He  hastened  his  steps  and  tapped  on  the 
shoulder  what  proved  to  be  a  man.  "  Here,  what 
are  you  doing  out  here?  "  asked  the  watchman. 

The  man  opened  his  eyes  and  seemed  to  come 
out  of  a  trance. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,"  he  said,  "lama  som- 
nambulist." 

"  Well,"  said  the  watchman,  "  you  can't  walk 
around  these  halls  in  the  middle  of  the  night  in 
your  night  shirt,  no  matter  what  your  religion  is." 

10 


HOGS  HAD  ALL  GONE 

A  story  that  caused  much  amusement  was 
told  around  the  ticker  in  Wall  Street  offices  con- 
cerning B.  A.  Worthington,  president  of  the 
Chicago  &  Alton  Railroad. 

In  the  summer  of  191 1  Mr.  Worthington 
took  his  family  to  a  farmhouse  in  Indiana,  where 
quiet  and  rest  seemed  to  be  assured.  Close  by, 
however,  was  a  pig  sty,  the  presence  of  which 
was  indicated  under  certain  wind  conditions. 
Mr.  Worthington  planned  to  go  there  again  this 
year,  but  wrote  the  farmer  that  the  piggery 
would  have  to  be  attended  to  before  he  engaged 
accommodations. 

The  farmer's  reply  was  brief: 

14  Can  accommodate  you  all  right.  There  have 
been  no  hogs  on  the  place  since  you  left." 

A  LEGAL  OPINION 

"  A  cat  sits  on  my  back  fence  every  night  and 
he  yowls  and  yowls  and  yowls.  Now,  I  don't 
want  to  have  any  trouble  with  neighbor  Jones, 
but  this  thing  has  gone  far  enough,  and  I  want 
you  to  tell  me  what  to  do." 

The  young  lawyer  looked  as  solemn  as  an  old 
sick  owl,  and  said  not  a  word. 

14 1  have  a  right  to  shoot  the  cat,  haven't  I?  " 

11 


i2?ere*0  a  Ncto  tout 

"  I  would  hardly  say  that,"  replied  young 
Coke  Blackstone.  "  The  cat  does  not  belong  to 
you,  as  I  understand  it." 

11  No,  but  the  fence  does." 

"  Then,"  concluded  the  light  of  law,  "  I  think 
it  safe  to  say  you  have  a  perfect  right  to  tear  down 
the  fence." 

HEARD  DOUBLE 

A  lanky  country  youth  entered  the  crossroads 
general  store  to  order  some  groceries.  He  was 
fourteen  years  old  and  was  passing  through  that 
stage  of  adolescence  during  which  a  boy  seems 
all  hands  and  feet,  and  his  vocal  organs,  rapidly 
developing,  are  wont  to  cause  his  voice  to  undergo 
sudden  and  involuntary  changes. 

In  an  authoritative,  rumbling  bass  voice,  he 
demanded  of  the  busy  clerk:  "  Give  me  a  can 
of  corn  "  (then,  his  voice  suddenly  changing  to  a 
shrill  falsetto,  he  continued)  "and  a  sack  of  flour." 

"  Well,  don't  be  in  a  hurry.  I  can't  wait  on 
both  of  you  at  once,"  snapped  the  clerk. 

KANSAS  MEDICINE 

Mayor  Gaynor,  at  a  luncheon  in  Brooklyn, 
said  to  a  Prohibitionist:  "It  is  spissitudinous 
on  your   part  to  think  that  prohibition  would 

12 


SI 

INi 


©errs  a  Neto  <kue 

succeed  in  cosmopolitan  New  York.  Prohibition 
would  do  worse  here  than  in  Kansas. 

"  You  know  how  it  does  there.  There  liquor 
can  only  be  sold  as  a  medicine.  As  a  New  York 
visitor  was  buying  a  tooth  brush  in  a  Kansas  drug 
store  one  afternoon  a  brawny  cowboy  entered 
with  a  four-gallon  demijohn.  He  plumped  the 
great  wicker  demijohn  down  on  the  counter,  the 
ruggist  looked  at  him  inquiringly,  and  he  said: 

"  '  Fill  her  up,  Jim.   Baby's  took  bad.'  " 

THE  DEDUCTION 

Gen.  Dabney  H.  Maury  of  the  Confederate 
Army  used  to  tell  a  story  about  his  faithful  negro 
boy,  Jim,  the  son  of  his  old  mammy,  whom  he 
took  with  him  to  the  war.  The  general  was  not 
a  large  man,  except  in  the  traits  which  made 
great  men  and  great  soldiers. 

After  the  battle  of  Corinth,  where  he  was  pro- 
moted to  the  rank  of  major  general  on  the  battle- 
field, he  came  into  his  tent  and  called  his 
servant.  "Jim,"  he  said,  "when  you  make  up 
my  cot,  tuck  those  blankets  well  in  at  the  feet. 
My  feet  stick  out  all  night." 

Looking  up  at  him  with  an  amused  look,  Jim 
said :  "  Marse  Dabney,  you  ain't  growed  none, 
is  you,  since  you  got  promoted  yesterday?  " 

13 


f^erc'B  a  KeUi  (tout 

PRACTICE  MAKES  PERFECT 

11  'Bleeged  to  you,  sah,"  said  a  disgruntled 
looking  negro  who  had  edged  his  way  into  the 
office  of  a  prominent  Arkansas  attorney,  "  and 
I  wants  to  git  a  d'vorce  fum  muh  wife  on  de 
grounds  dat  she  has  done  been  th'owin'  things 
at  me  for  de  last  several  yeahs." 

"  Ah!  And  have  any  of  the  missiles  seriously 
injured  you?  " 

"  Sah?  No,  sah !  She  didn't  th'ow  none  o'  dem 
saft-uh  ar-tickles  at  me;  she  dess  flung  dishes, 
and  stove  han'les,  and  skillets,  and  a  'casional  cat 
or  dog  or  suppin'  datuhway.  And  dey  didn't  none 
of  'em  hit  me;  that  is,  'twill  yit.  But  wid  all  dis 
yuh  practizin'  some  o'  dese  days  she  gwine  to  git 
to  be  what  day  call  a  expert,  and  bust  mah  haid !" 

INQUISITOR 

A  small  boy  whose  father  had  just  died  was 
being  interviewed  by  an  inquisitive  friend  about 
the  facts  of  his  father's  death.  He  had  been 
asked  what  his  father  died  of,  when  he  died, 
how  old  he  was  when  he  died  and  when  he  was 
to  be  buried.  Finally  the  questioner  said:  "  And 
what  were  your  father's  last  words,  dear?  " 

To  which  the  youth  replied,  "  He  didn't  have  no 
last  words.     Mother  was  with  him  to  the  last." 

14 


FAIR  TO  MIDDLIN* 

"  Well,  George,"  said  the  president  of  the 
company  to  old  George,  "  how  goes  it?  " 

"  Fair  to  middlin',  sir,"  George  answered.  And 
he  continued  to  currycomb  a  bay  horse.  "  Me 
an'  this  here  hoss,"  George  said,  suddenly, 
"  has  worked  for  your  firm  sixteen  years." 

"  Well,  well,"  said  the  president,  thinking 
a  little  guiltily  of  George's  seven-dollar  salary. 
"  And  I  suppose  you  are  both  pretty  highly 
valued,  George,  eh?  " 

"  H'm,"  said  George,  "  the  both  of  us  was 
took  sick  last  week,  and  they  got  a  doctor 
for  the  hoss,  but  they  just  docked  my  pay." 

WHAT  HE  HAD 

He  was  an  artist,  and  the  humdrum  life  in  the 
butcher's  shop  vexed  his  noble  spirit.  Some- 
how, selling  scrag  of  mutton  and  the  best  end 
of  the  neck  was  not  appreciated  by  his  artistic 
temperament,  and  so  he  went  to  London,  where 
talent  is  recognized  and  paid  for  —  sometimes. 

For  a  time  he  wrote  glowing  letters  home. 
Then  there  came  silence. 

"  Success,"  reflected  his  sorrowing  parents, 
11  has  been  too  much  for  him.  He  has  forgotten 
us.    Alas,  alas! " 

15 


But  he  hadn't,  for,  one  evening,  just  as  his 
father  was  sitting  down  to  supper  and  preparing 
to  enjoy  his  humble  chop,  a  small  boy  brought  a 
note. 

"  Dear  Dad,"  it  read,  "  please  meet  me  by  the 
old  bridge  at  midnight,  and  bring  with  you  a  shirt, 
a  waistcoat  and  a  jacket.    I  have  a  hat.   John." 

THE  TRAIN  ROLLED  ON  AND 
ROLLED  BADLY 

He  had  reached  that  stage  of  intoxication  where 
he  felt  it  necessary  to  show  those  in  the  smoking 
car  who  had  not  already  noticed  it,  the  size  of 
the  package  he  was  taking  home  upon  him. 

Fixing  a  watery  eye  upon  an  inoffensive  old 
gentleman  opposite  who  was  trying  to  read  the 
evening  paper  and  was  having  difficulty  owing 
to  the  feeble  light,  he  leaned  forward  and  vol- 
unteered this: 

"  OP  Hancock  was  the  wise  guy,  eh?  " 

Nothing  doing. 

The  bibulous  person  reached  out  and  gave 
the  old  gentleman's  paper  a  pull,  and  said : 

"I  say,  ol'  chap;  Hancock  knew  what  he 
was  talkin'  'bout,  what?  " 

"  I  guess  so,"  replied  the  old  gentleman  wearily. 

"  Said  the  tariff  was  er  local  issue,  didn't  he? 

16 


Well,  ain't  it?  "  and  getting  no  response:  "  Pr'aps 
you  ain't  interested  in  the  tariff?  " 

The  tormented  one  allowed  that  he  was  not 
interested,  and   quiet  reigned   for   a   moment. 
Then  a  new  idea   struck  the   befuddled  one. 
Perhaps  the  old  gentleman  was  fond  of  music, 
and  taking  the  affirmative  for  granted  he  broke 
forth    into    song,    essaying    "Marching    Thro' 
Georgia."    Some  trouble  developed  in  his  upper 
register  and  he  was  fishing  around  for  a  lower 
note  to  start  with  when  the  guard  entered  and 
the  solo  became  a  concerted  number  helped  out 
by  suggestions  from  the  other  passengers.    Fi- 
nally the  guard  got  in  a  question : 
"  Say,  young  feller,  where  do  you  get  off?  " 
"Oh,  sometimes  one  place;  sometimes  an- 
other." 
"  Well,  where  do  you  get  off  tonight?  " 
(Loftily)  "  'S  immaterial;  am  '  erston  '  ?  " 
"  Well,  suppose  you  get  off  at  the  next  stop?  " 
The  drunk  again  assured  the  "  L  "  man  that 
it  was  immaterial  to  him,  and  to  prove  it  he  got 
off  as  suggested. 

WHAT'S  IN  A  NAME? 

An   American   traveling   in    Europe   engaged 
a  courier.     Arriving  at  an  inn  in  Austria,  the 

17 


man  asked  his  servant  to  enter  his  name  in 
accordance  with  the  police  regulations  of  that 
country.  Some  time  after  the  man  asked  the 
servant  if  he  had  complied  with  his  orders. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  was  the  reply. 

"  How  did  you  write  my  name?  "  asked  the 
master. 

"  Well,  sir,  I  can't  pronounce  it,"  answered  the 
servant,  "  but  I  copied  it  from  your  portmanteau, 
sir." 

"  Why,  my  name  isn't  there.  Bring  me  the 
book." 

The  register  was  brought  and,  instead  of  the 
plain  American  name  of  two  syllables,  the  follow- 
ing entry  was  revealed: 

"  Monsieur  Warranted  Solid  Leather." 

A  PERPLEXED  CHILD 

'"  Papa,"  said  a  little  girl  who  had  been  looking 
on  while  her  father  was  building  a  furnace  fire, 
which  had  gone  out  because  the  grate  had  be- 
come clogged  with  clinkers,  "  I  read  in  a  book 
yesterday  that  the  good  die  young." 

He  wiped  the  blood  from  his  bruised  wrist  and 
turned  to  look  at  his  daughter. 

11  Well,  what  about  it?  "  he  asked. 

11  Is  it  true?  " 

18 


"  I  dunno.    I  guess  so." 

"  If  it  is,  I'm  not  surprised  that  you  grew  up, 
but  I  wonder  how  mamma  managed  to  pull 
through." 

HONORS  WERE  EVEN 

A  fat  man  could  not  help  laughing  one  day  at  the 
ludicrous  appearance  of  a  very  bowlegged  chap  — 
one  of  those  arch-looking  chaps  you  know. 

Though  a  total  stranger  to  him  the  fat  man 
slapped  the  bowlegged  chap  on  the  back  and  said : 

"  By  jingo,  brother,  you  look  as  if  you'd  been 
ridin'  a  barrel." 

The  bowlegged  man  smiled  and  poked  his  fore- 
finger deep  into  the  fat  man's  loose,  soft  stomach. 

"  And  you  look  as  if  you'd  been  swallowin' 
one,"  he  said. 

EXPLAINED 

The  steamboat  came  splashing  along  her  course 
at  full  speed  and  the  first  thing  the  passengers 
knew  she  had  crashed  dead  on  into  the  pier. 

"  Mercy! "  cried  a  passenger,  as  the  splinters 
flew,  "  I  wonder  what  is  the  matter?  " 

"  Nothin',"  said  Pat,  one  of  the  deck  hands. 
11  Nothin',  ma'am  —  ut  looks  to  me  as  if  the 
captain  just  forgot  that  we  shtop  here." 

19 


THAT  WAS  DIFFERENT 

"Hello!" 

"  Well." 

"  Is  this  the  gas  company?  " 

"  Yes." 

"  My  gas  bill  for  last  month  is  one  dollar  and 
fifty  cents." 

"  Well?  " 

"  That  is  away  off,  and  "  — 

11  Just  one  moment,  please." 

"  Well?  " 

"  In  the  first  place,  our  men  who  read  the 
meters  are  not  in  the  habit  of  making  mistakes." 

"  But,  you  see,  we  "  — 

"  We  employ  capable  fellows  who  know 
their  business,  and  it  is  utterly  impossible  for 
a  mistake  to  be  made.  They  turn  in  their  figures 
after  a  careful  examination  of  the  meter,  and  a 
most  competent  office  force  here  does  the  rest. 
If  you  were  charged  one  dollar  and  fifty  cents  for 
gas  last  month,  you  may  be  dead  certain  that 
you  burned  exactly  that  much  and  no  more." 

"  But  I  wanted  to  "  — 

"  There  is  no  use  declaring  your  house  has 
been  closed  and  you  have  been  out  of  town.  The 
bill  will  have  to  be  paid  or  we  will  take  out  your 
meter." 

20 


w0h,  I'm  perfectly  willing  to  pay  the  dollar 
and  fifty  cents." 

"  Then  what  are  you  kicking  about?  " 

"  And  this  is  not  a  kick." 

"  It  isn't?  " 

"  No.  I  merely  wanted  to  state  that  we  burned 
gas  night  and  day  during  the  month,  owing  to 
sickness,  and  that  the  bill  should  have  been  at 
least  ten  dollars.  Of  course,  if  you  don't  want 
to  correct  it,  I'm  perfectly  satisfied.  How  about 
it?" 

But  the  man  in  the  gas  office  had  collapsed. 

A  SHARP  BUYER 

An  Irishman  passing  a  shop  where  a  notice 
was  displayed  saying  that  everything  was  sold 
by  the  yard  thought  he  would  play  a  joke  on  the 
shopman,  so  he  entered  the  shop  and  asked 
for  a  yard  of  milk.  The  shopman,  not  in  the 
least  taken  aback,  dipped  his  fingers  in  a  bowl 
of  milk  and  drew  a  line  a  yard  long  on  the  counter. 
Pat,  not  wishing  to  be  caught  in  his  own  trap, 
asked  the  price. 

"  Sixpence,"  said  the  shopman. 

"  All  right,  sorr,"  said  Pat.  "  Roll  it  up;  I'll 
take  it." 

21 


jy  eve's  a  UCeUi  (Due 

TAKING  THE  COUNT 

A  doctor  in  an  Iowa  town  had  been  very  busy 
for  several  days  and  was  worn  out  and  sleepy 
when  he  got  to  bed  one  morning  about  two 
o'clock. 

Just  as  he  dropped  off  a  summons  came  from 
a  house  half  a  mile  away.  The  lady  of  the  house, 
the  call  said,  was  dying  of  a  heart  difficulty. 

The  sleepy  doctor  got  into  his  clothes  some- 
how and  went  to  the  house,  where  the  patient  — 
a  very  stout  woman  —  was  in  bed,  breathing 
stertorously. 

The  doctor  could  find  nothing  specially  wrong, 
but  the  woman  was  panicky. 

"  Cough!  "  he  ordered.  She  could  not.  Then 
he  put  his  ear  over  her  heart  and  said:  "  Count 
slowly." 

Next  thing  he  knew  he  woke  to  hear  the 
woman  counting  faintly: 

"  Ten  thousand  and  forty-seven  —  ten  thou- 
sand and  forty-eight  —  " 

THE  DEAL  FELL  THROUGH 

He  had  been  drinking.  That  was  very  evident 
to  the  woman  who  came  to  the  door  in  answer  to 
his  ring. 

"  Shay,"  he  began,  after  looking  up  and  down 

22 


Vltxt'u  a  Krto  ©tie 

the  street  nervously,  "  you  put  advertisement 
(hie)  in  paper  shmorning?  " 

"  I  did,"  she  replied. 

"  You  shed  you  (hie)  would  give  good  home 
to  cat." 

"  Yes ;  have  you  a  cat  you  wish  to  get  rid  of?  " 

"  Besher  life !  "  he  rephed  heartily. 

She  was  about  to  ask  for  further  particulars 
when  a  stockily  built,  angry-looking  woman 
stopped  at  the  gate  and  motioned  to  the  man. 

"  Jake,  you  drunken  fool,  come  down  here  to 
me  this  minute! " 

"  Thash  her  —  thash  old  cat  I  want  to  get 
a  home  for,"  he  whispered.    "  Shay,  when  "  — 

The  lady  who  wanted  the  feline,  however, 
quickly  closed  and  locked  the  door,  while  her 
caller  slunk  down  the  steps  and  was  led  away 
by  the  ear. 

DIGS  THEM  OUT 

"  Do  you  have  any  literary  people  in  your 
town?  "  asked  a  guest  of  Mr.  Booth  Tarkington 
out  in  Indiana. 

"  There  goes  Hiram  Spaydes  —  that  man  with 
the  pick  and  shovel  on  his  shoulder,"  replied  Mr. 
Tarkington.  "  He  has  produced  some  of  the  best 
cellars  every  season." 

23 


MAD  AS  A  WET  HEN 

"  Billy,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Brow,  "  why  are 
you  carrying  that  big  pail  of  water  down  to  the 
chicken  yard?  " 

"  Why,  mamma,  I'm  goin'  ter  pour  it  on  that 
old  speckled  hen." 

"  You  naughty  boy !  What  are  you  going 
to  torture  a  poor  dumb  creature  for?  " 

"  Quitcher  kiddin'  me,  ma.  I  only  wanted 
to  find  out  how  mad  you'd  be  if  papa  went  to 
the  banquet  of  the  Tough  Knut  Society  tonight. 
Papa  said  over  the  'phone  that  you'd  be  as  mad 
as  a  -  " 

He  didn't  need  to  finish.  The  poor  kid  found 
out  right  then  how  mad  his  mamma  would  be. 

WHAT  HE  POSSESSED 

An  Italian  organ  grinder  possessed  a  monkey 
which  he  "  worked "  through  the  summer 
months.  When  the  cool  days  of  fall  came  his 
business  fell  off  and  he  discontinued  his  walks 
and  his  melodies.  An  Irishman  of  his  acquaint- 
ance offered  him  ten  cents  a  day  for  the  privilege 
of  keeping  and  feeding  the  little  beast.  The 
bargain  was  made  for  a  month. 

Great  curiosity  filled  the  mind  of  the  Italian, 
and  at  last,  unable  to  restrain  himself,  he  went 

24 


ostensibly  to  see  his  pet,  but  really  to  find  out 
what  possible  use  Pat  could  make  of  the  monkey. 
The  Irishman  was  frank. 

"  It  is  loike  this,"  he  said:  "  I  put  up  a  pole 
in  me  back  yard  with  the  monk  on  the  top.  Tin 
or  twelve  thrains  of  cars  loaded  with  coal  go 
by  ever'  even.  There's  thramps  on  every 
car.  Every  wan  takes  a  heave  at  the  monk. 
Divil  a  man  has  hit  him,  but  Oi  have  seven- 
teen tons  of  coal." 

ALSO  COMIC 

First  Shining  Light  (in  the  colored  church)  — 
"  Ah  don't  believe  in  callin'  dis  heah  society  de 
Ladies'  Auxiliary.  Dat's  imitatin'  de  white 
folks." 

Second  Shining  Light  —  "  Den  wot  will  we 
call  it?  " 

First  Shining  Light  —  "  Well,  wot's  de  mattah 
wid  callin'  it  de  '  Colored  Supplement?  '  " 

AT  THE  BALL  GAME 

"  Clarence,  dear,"  said  young  Mrs.  Putney, 
"  I  want  to  ask  you  something.  Suppose  the 
man  who  throws  the  ball  hits  the  man  behind  the 
bat  —  " 

"  Yes?  " 

"  Does  he  get  a  cigar  or  anything?  " 

25 


A  STARTLING  ANNOUNCEMENT 

Dean  Stanley  was  once  visiting  a  friend  who 
gave  one  of  the  pages  strict  orders  that  in  the 
morning  he  was  to  go  and  knock  at  the  Dean's 
door,  and  when  the  Dean  inquired  who  was 
knocking  he  was  to  say:  "The  boy,  my  Lord." 
According  to  directions  he  knocked  and  the 
Dean  asked:  "Who  is  there?"  Embarrassed 
by  the  voice  of  the  great  man  the  page  answered: 
"  The  Lord,  my  boy." 

JUSTIFIED 

Pat  and  Mike  were  working  on  a  new  building. 
Pat  was  laying  brick  and  Mike  was  carrying  the 
hod.  Mike  had  just  come  up  to  the  fourth  floor, 
when  the  dinner  whistle  blew.  His  lunch  was 
on  the  ground.  "  I  hate  to  walk  down  after  it," 
he  said. 

"  Take  hold  of  this  rope,"  said  Pat,  "  and  I'll 
let  you  down."  Pat  let  him  down  half-way  and 
then  let  go  of  the  rope.  Mike  landed  in  the 
mortar  bed  not  much  hurt,  but  terribly  mortified. 

"  And  why  did  ye  let  go  of  the  rope?  "  he  de- 
manded. 

"  I  thought  it  was  going  to  break,"  said  Pat, 
"  and  I  had  presence  of  mind  enough  to  let  go." 

26 


NOT  HIM 

While  in  ^Boston  a  while  ago  I  went  over  to 
East  Boston  on  the  ferry.  There  was  a  steam 
shovel  at  work  out  in  the  harbor  and  I  was  stand- 
ing watching  it.  Suddenly  I  felt  a  tap  on  my 
shoulder  and  turned  around  to  find  a  son  of 
Erin  standing  there.  "  Say,"  said  he,  "  isn't 
this  a  wonderful  country?  By  gorry,  now  just  look 
at  that  thing  goin'  down  there,  now,  look  at  it, 
isn't  that  wonderful?  But  say,  ould  man,  I 
wouldn't  want  to  be  the  guy  at  the  bottom  filling 
that  thing  up,  would  ye?  " 

GRATEFUL 

A  good  old  Irish  pastor  was  thanking  his  con- 
gregation for  the  many  Easter  offerings  and  his 
tremulous  voice  told  how  great  was  his  pleasure. 

"  I  wish  to  thank  the  congregation,"  he  said, 
"  for  the  many  beautiful  gifts  from  my  people 
this  glorious  Easter  Sunday.  The  plate  dona- 
tions were  far  in  excess  of  my  expectations,  the 
candles  were  many  and  freely  contributed,  and 
the  flowers  were  simply  beautiful;  but  I  want 
to  say  right  here  and  now  that  the  thing  that 
touched  my  heart  the  most  was  whin  little 
Mary  Killy  walked  oop  the  aisle  an'  laid  an  egg 
on  the  altar." 

27 


WHY  OF  COURSE 

"  Stockings? "  said  the  salesman.  "  Yes, 
ma'am.    What  number  do  you  wear?  " 

"  What  number?  "  snapped  the  stern-visaged 
lady.  "  Why,  two,  of  course.  Do  you  take  me 
for  a  centipede?  " 

AND  THEN  SOME 

"  What  sort  of  a  bridge  expert  is  Wombat?  " 

"  He's  what  we  call  an  Ibsen  expert." 

"  An  Ibsen  expert?  " 

"  Yes ;  he  makes  some  mighty  queer  plays." 

COULD  REACH  IT 

A  temperance  lecturer  was  enthusiastically 
denouncing  the  use  of  all  intoxicants. 

"I  wish  all  the  beer,  all  the  wine,  all  the 
whiskey  in  the  world  was  at  the  bottom  of  the 
ocean,"  he  said. 

Hastily  Pat  rose  to  his  feet. 

"  Sure,  and  so  do  I,  sor,"  he  shouted. 

As  they  were  leaving  the  hall  the  lecturer  en- 
countered Pat. 

"  I  certainly  am  proud  of  you,"  he  said.  "  It 
was  a  brave  thing  for  you  to  rise  and  say  what 
you  did.    Are  you  a  teetotaler?  " 

"  No,  indade,  sor.    I'm  a  diver." 

28 


fatten  a  uceto  eue 

A  COSTLY  VIRTUE 

"  Uncle  Joe  "  Cannon,  apropos  of  Washing- 
ton's Birthday,  said  in  Danville : 

"  Washington  was  veracious.  Veracity,  I 
suppose,  worked  better  in  those  days.  It's  a 
virtue  now  that  often  costs  its  owner  dearly. 
A  Danville  man  howled  downstairs  from  his 
den  the   other  night: 

" « Who  the  dash-blank-asterisk  went  and 
broke  my  new  meerschaum  pipe? ' 

"Little  Willie,  mindful  of  the  approach  of 
February  22,  shouted  back  in  cheery  tones: 

"  '  I  done  it,  pop.   I  cannot  he.' 

"  '  You  can't,  eh?  '  roared  the  father,  rushing 
downstairs,  strap  in  hand.  '  Well,  you  won't  be 
able  to  sit,  either,  when  I  get  through  with  you!'" 

YOU  CAN'T  BEAT  THE  IRISH 

VMrs.  Hennessey,  who  was  a  late  arrival  in 
the  neighborhood,  was  entertaining  a  neighbor 
one  afternoon,  when  the  latter  inquired: 

"  An'  what  does  your  old  man  do,  Mrs.  Hen- 
nessey? " 

"  Sure,  he's  a  di'mond-cutter." 
"Ye  don't  mane  it!" 

"Yis;  he  cuts  th'  grass  off  th'  baseball 
grounds." 

29 


A  DISTINCTION 

One  would  have  it  that  a  collie  is  the  most 
sagacious  of  dogs,  while  the  other  stood  up  for 
the  setter. 

"  I  once  owned  a  setter,"  declared  the  latter, 
"  which  was  very  intelligent.  I  had  him  on  the 
street  one  day,  and  he  acted  so  queerly  about  a 
certain  man  we  met  that  I  asked  the  man  his 
name,  and  —  " 

"  Oh,  that's  an  old  story! "  the  collie's  advo- 
cate broke  in  sneeringly.  "  The  man's  name  was 
Partridge,  of  course,  and  because  of  that  the  dog 
came  to  a  set.    Ho,  ho !    Come  again !  " 

"  You're  mistaken,"  rejoined  the  other, 
suavely.  "  The  dog  didn't  come  quite  to  a  set, 
though  almost.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  the  man's 
name  was  Quayle,  and  the  dog  hesitated  on  ac- 
count of  the  spelling." 

THE  CHAMPION  OPTIMIST 

We  award  the  championship  diamond  belt 
for  optimism  to  a  resident  of  one  of  the  rural 
districts  of  Scotland.  As  the  story  goes,  an  old 
man  was  sitting  on  the  roof  of  his  house  during 
a  flood,  watching  the  waters  flow  past,  when  a 
neighbor,  who  possessed  a  boat,  rowed  across  to 
him. 

30 


u  Hello,  Bill,"  he  said. 

"  Hello,  Sam,"  replied  the  other. 

"  All  your  fowls  washed  away  this  mornin', 
Bill?" 

"  Yes,  but  the  ducks  can  swim." 

"  Apple  trees  gone,  too,  eh?  " 

"  Well,  they  said  the  crop  would  be  a  failure, 
anyhow." 

"  I  see  the  river's  reached  above  your  windows." 

"That's  all  right,  Sam!  Them  windows 
needed  washin' ! " 

POETS,  READ  THIS 

He  was  a  poet,  with  long  hair  and  all,  and  for 
a  time  she  was  tickled  to  death  at  the  novelty 
of  holding  hands  with  him  on  the  sofa.  But 
after  a  time  she  tried  hints,  but  they  went  in  one 
poetic  ear  and  out  the  other,  like  water  off  a 
duck's  back,  and  the  night  our  story  opens  she 
spoke  right  out. 

"  Algernonie,"  she  said.  "  Sunday  night 
when  you  came  around,  you  wrote  a  sonnet  to 
my  left  eyebrow,  didn't  you?  " 

"  Yes,  love,  I  did,"  he  returned,  putting  one 
hand  on  his  bosom  to  keep  it  from  swelling  with 
pride. 

"  Tuesday  night,  when  you  called,"  she  con- 

31 


©eve's  a  Neto  ©tie 

tinued,  "  you  composed  a  triolet  to  my  nether 
lip,  didn't  you?  " 

"  Yes,  love,"  he  admitted,  "  I  did." 

"  Wednesday  night,  during  your  call,"  she 
pursued,  "  you  dashed  off  a  roundel  to  my 
dimples,  didn't  you?  " 

"  Yes,  love,"  he  smiled,  "  dashed  off  is  good. 
But  there,  there,  don't  mention  it." 

"  And  didn't  it  ever  occur  to  you,"  she  said 
earnestly,  "  that  a  girl  might  sometimes  wish 
for  something  more  substantial?  " 

"  Darling,  you  are  right !  "  he  cried.  "  This 
very  evening  shall  I  write  an  ode  in  blank  verse 
to  your  entire  face." 

She  walked  sadly  to  the  foot  of  the  stairs. 

"  Father,"  she  called  regretfully,  "  put  on 
your  storm  shoes  and  come  down." 

THE  SUFFRAGETTE 

The  female  suffrage  orator  stood  upon  her 
platform  and  looked  over  the  sea  of  faces. 

"  Where  would  man  be  today  were  it  not  for 
woman?  "  she  inquired.    She  paused  a  moment. 

"Again  I  repeat,"  she  said,  "where  would 
man  be  today  were  it  not  for  woman?  " 

"  In  the  Garden  of  Eden,"  answered  a  male 
voice  from  the  rear. 

32 


BY  WAY  OF  ENGLAND 

Mr.  Champ  Clark  has  the  happy  knack  of 
being  able  to  parry  inconvenient  interruptions 
with  some  smart  retort  that  immediately  squashes 
the  opposition.  He  was  speaking  at  a  rather 
noisy  meeting  not  long  ago,  and  after  a  short 
time  a  big  chunk  of  wood  was  thrown  at  him. 
Fortunately,  the  aim  was  bad,  and  it  fell  harm- 
lessly on  the  platform. 

Mr.  Clark  picked  it  up  and  showed  it  to  the 
audience. 

"  Good  heavens ! "  he  exclaimed  in  tones  of 
mock  anxiety,  "  one  of  our  opponents  has  lost 
his  head ! " 

COURTESY 

Being  unable  to  find  a  seat  on  the  overcrowded 
train,  a  large  woman  went  into  the  smoking 
car  and  sat  down  by  the  door. 

The  man  next  to  her,  absorbed  in  his  news- 
paper, kept  on  smoking. 

"  I  was  foolish  enough  to  suppose,"  said  she, 
glowering  at  him,  "  that  some  of  the  men  in 
here  at  least  were  gentlemen." 

"  Pardon  me,  madam,"  he  answered  politely, 
offering  her  a  cigar. 

33 


Jijttz'ti  a  ISTcUj  <S)ue 

INGENUOUS 

Marion  came  to  the  breakfast  table  late,  and 
was  scanned  by  the  reproachful  eyes  of  her 
mother. 

"  Did  that  young  man  kiss  you  last  night, 
Marion?  " 

"  Now,  mother,"  said  the  very  pretty  girl,  with 
a  reminiscent  smile,  "  do  you  suppose  that  he 
came  all  the  way  from  Blue  Rock  to  hear  me 
sing?  " 

LIFE  IS  SO  UNCERTAIN 

A  Jew  owning  a  pawnshop  had  as  a  customer 
one  morning  a  young  man  who  said  he  wanted 
to  buy  a  watch  chain  that  would  last  him  a  life- 
time. "  Hef  I  got  it?  Shure  I  hef.  Here  is  a  grand 
bargain;  so  hellup  me,  I  vos  going  to  keep  it 
for  my  son  Ikey  as  a  birthday  present,  but  you're 
a  goot  customer  so  I'll  let  you  hef  it."  "  But  say 
now,  is  that  the  goods,  will  it  last  a  lifetime?  " 
"  Shure,  shure ;  take  my  vird  fer  it,  dot's  a  fine 
bargain  und  it  vill  last  a  lifetime."  He  bought 
the  chain  and  took  it  home,  but  not  having  any 
use  for  it  immediately,  he  left  it  in  the  box.  About 
a  week  afterward  he  thought  that  he  would 
sport  his  new  chain,  so  went  to  the  box,  and  on 

34 


^m'8  a  isrttu  <diw 

opening  it  found  to  his  dismay  the  chain  was 
all  tarnished  and  even  green.  Then  there  was 
one  angry  young  man.  He  couldn't  get  down  to 
the  Jew  quickly  enough;  ran  all  the  way,  burst 
into  his  place  with  "  Here  you,  what  do  you  mean 
by  selling  me  a  chain  that  you  said  would  last 
me  a  lifetime,  and  here  not  quite  a  week  after 
it  was  bought,  I  take  it  out  of  the  box  and  it's 
all  tarnished?  What  have  you  got  to  say  for  your- 
self? "  "  Veil,  I  tell  you,  young  man,  ven  you 
came  in  last  vick  to  buy  det  chain,  you  set  you 
vanted  vun  det  vould  last  a  lifetime.  Veil,  so 
hellup  me,  meester,  ven  you  came  in  to  me  you 
looked  so  sick  I  tought  you  vould  last  about 
three  days." 

YOU  CAN'T  ALWAYS  TELL 
BY  LOOKS 

A  Hebrew  woman  with  a  boy  about  ten  climbed 
into  an  electric  car.  When  the  conductor  came 
around  for  the  fares,  she  handed  him  a  nickel. 
He  stared  at  the  boy  for  a  while  and  said,  "  Isn't 
that  boy  over  five,  madam?  "  "  No,  sare,  no 
sare,  not  a  veek  ofer."  "  Well,  he  certainly  looks 
it  madam."  "  Veil,  I  tell  you,  meester,  if  you 
had  det  boy's  trubbles  you  vould  look  much 
older  too." 

35 


?y eve's  a  "Neto  <&ue 

A  LARGE  BUSINESS 

A  commercial  traveler  was  bragging  about 
the  magnitude  of  the  firm  he  represented. 

"  I  suppose  your  house  is  a  pretty  big  estab- 
lishment? "  said  the  customer. 

"  Big?  You  can't  have  any  idea  of  its  dimen- 
sions. Last  week  we  took  an  inventory  of  the 
employees,  and  found  out  for  the  first  time  that 
three  cashiers  and  four  bookkeepers  were  miss- 
ing. That  will  give  you  some  idea  of  the  magni- 
tude of  our  business." 

CRAFTY 

First  Englishman  —  "  Why  do  you  allow  your 
wife  to  be  a  militant  suffragette?  " 

Second  Englishman  — "  When  she's  busy 
wrecking  things  outside  we  have  comparative 
peace  at  home." 

CRUELTY? 

A  Jew  walking  along  a  dock  happened  to  slip 
and  fall  in;  not  being  able  to  swim  he  started  to 
yell  "  Safe  me,  safe  me,  I  cain't  svim,  I  cain't 
svim."  An  Irishman  coming  along  at  that  mo- 
ment, looked  at  the  struggling  Jew  a  second,  and 
then  blurted,  "  Well,  nayther  can  I,  but  I  don't 
go  'round  braggin'  about  it." 

36 


A  NECESSARY  RECEIPT 

A  French  Canuck  up  before  a  judge  was  fined 
ten  dollars  for  drunkenness,  drinking  too  much 
split.  He  paid  his  fine  but  waited  around  the 
court-room.  At  last  the  judge  asked  him  what 
he  was  waiting  for.  "  I  want  a  receipt  for  dat 
ten  dollar  I  just  give  you."  "  Why,  we  don't 
give  receipts.  Get  out."  But  still  the  Canuck 
did  not  move.  At  last  the  judge,  becoming  a 
little  exasperated,  said:  "  Say,  what  do  you  want 
that  receipt  for  anyway?  "  "  Well,  Meester 
Jadge,  I  dell  you.  When  I  die  I  go  to  heaven 
like  det,  den  St.  Peter  he  cam  out  and  say  who 
is  dis?  Den  I  say,  why,  Joe  Patour,  and  he  say, 
now,  Joe,  did  you  pay  all  your  bills  when  you 
were  on  airth?  Dere,  what  I  got  to  do  den, 
chase  all  over  hell  for  you?  " 

SLIGHTLY  MISTAKEN 

A  very  rich  American  went  to  London  and 
met  an  Englishman,  who  —  strangely  enough  — 
liked  him,  and  asked  him  to  his  house. 

The  Englishman  was  a  great  collector  of 
antiques,  curiosities,  etc.,  and  showed  the  Ameri- 
can, among  other  things,  a  table  and  a  chair, 
and,  pointing  to  them,  said:  "That  table  and 
that  chair  once  belonged  to  Milton." 

37 


"  Really!  "  said  the  American,  kneeling  down 
and  reverently  kissing  both  table  and  chair. 

"  And,"  continued  the  Englishman,  "  that 
table  was  the  very  one  on  which  that  immortal 
classic,  '  Paradise  Lost,'  was  written." 

"  What  was  written?  "  questioned  the  guest. 

11  •  Paradise  Lost,'  "  was  the  reply. 

"  Who  wrote  it?  " 

"  Milton,"  replied  the  host. 

"  Who  did  you  say  owned  that  table?  " 

"  Milton,"  again  answered  the  host. 

"  Gosh!  "  ejaculated  the  rich  one,  in  a  tone  of 
disgust.    "  I  thought  you  said  Lipton." 

STRICTLY  BUSINESS 

A  Hebrew  in  a  small  Southern  town,  in  the 
undertaking  business,  sat  on  his  stool  waiting 
for  customers  when  in  walked  an  Irishwoman  with 
a  little  girl  of  about  ten.  "  Have  ye  any  boxes? 
Me  ould  mon  shlipped  away  lasht  noight  and 
I  want  to  buy  one."  "  Hev  we  got  dem,  madam? 
shure,  shure  ve  hev  dem;  here  is  a  nice  vun  for 
hunderd  feefty,  here's  a  nice  vun  for  de  hunderd, 
here's  vun  for  feefty,  and  here's  vun  for  tventy- 
five,  und  say,  lady,  if  you  take  vun  for  hunderd  or 
hunderd  feefty  I  trow  in  vun  for  your  baby  for 
nuttink." 

38 


THE  RICH   HAVE  THEIR  TROUBLES 

"  Say,  Moritz,  vot's  it  de  use  a  man  should 
be  rich?  Only  from  troubles!  When  I  was  a 
poor  feller,  heppy  mit  de  wife,  who  was  lovink 
mit  me,  and  de  little  children  also  was  heppy, 
and  we  didn't  put  it  on  no  airs  mit  de  neighbors 
and  we  didn't  gif  it  a  tarn  for  somebody.  Now  it's 
all  over  a  difference.  Now  I  was  from  two  years 
president  of  de  matzoth  trust,  and  I  gotchmer  an 
inventshun  vot  make  a  fine  matzoths  and  costs  you 
no  more,  and  every  person  says  it  a  good  mornink 
on  de  street.  De  vife  makes  me  I  shall  move 
from  away  de  Goldshmit  Court,  where  it  ain't 
so  stylish,  to  live  in  a  house  mit  from  eight 
families  togedder,  and  I  go  out  to  a  place  what 
is  called  Evrutt.  Oi,  dot's  it  a  town!  All  over 
from  trolley  cars  and  mit  each  house  a  gress 
around  it,  and  say,  Moritz,  there  ain't  more  den 
tervelf  hundred  yeeden  —  or  less.  Fine !  and 
de  neighbors  from  away  Goldshmit  Court  sticks 
up  de  nose  and  makes  it  faces  on  de  street  und 
says  he's  got  it  a  little  money  und  he  tinks  he's 
toney.  De  vife  buys  it  curtains  on  de  door,  — 
lace?  rags!  for  a  hoondred  dollars,  rags!  My 
daughter  Rachel  what  is  18,  must  go  to  de  priwt 
schul,  and  mine  son  Abey,  is  it  to  go  avay  from 

39 


Halfdad  Scullege,  dot's  it,  Abey  should  go  to 
Halfdad  Scullege.  My  vife  every  Shabbes  must 
go  mit  de  daughter  to  de  teater,  and  makes  to 
call  Rachel  by  a  mishugar  name  Rochelie,  and  my 
son  Abeyke,  I  shall  call  him  A.  Horatio  Goldberg. 
Det's  it  a  name  for  a  Jew  —  A.  Horatio  Gold- 
berg !  And  eveiy  Sattuday  night  comes  home  de 
vife  from  de  teater  mit  a  picture  from  a  ektor  — 
Mr.  Poicy  Levender  —  he's  it  a  star.  Say  he's  a 
rutten  ektor.  De  vife  sticks  de  picture  on  de 
table  und  every  five  minutes  gifs  it  a  look  und 
says  "  Ain't  he  handsome,  Rochelie?  "  und  I  hef 
to  pay  for  dets.  But  I  tell  you,  Moritz,  it's  a 
fine  house  I  got  it  dere  —  why  don't  you  come 
oud  met  de  vife  for  a  meals  on  Shabbes?  Carpets 
all  over  velvut,  mit  silk  coitins,  indecent  lights, 
two  kinds  of  hot  water,  hot  and  cold  running 
staircases,  hut  and  cold  janity  service,  station 
house  tubs,  und  big  marbles  tub  in  de  room  for 
de  coal.  Only  de  vife  von't  keep  de  coal  here, 
she  keeps  de  curtains  in  it.  My  daughter  Rachel 
she  must  take  it  a  peeano  lessans  from  a  crazy 
guy  mit  hair  like  a  lady.  —  Two  doulers  a  hoor, 
peeano  lessons.  Oi  Vay!  She  sits  dere  two 
doulers  a  hoor,  and  she  learns  it  how  she  shall 
sing,  my  Got,  a  voice  like  a  clem.  "Do  —  ray  — 
me!—  far  —  see  —  par's  —  roll  —  go."     All    de 

40 


Ji$tttf8  a  tltfeto  (Due 

time  nothing  else.  Und  dot  boy  from  mine,  dot's 
A.  Horatio  Goldberg,  I  shall  go  to  de  scullege 
to  see  him  be  it  a  feetballs  player.  Mine  Got. 
Sits  15  houndred  peupel,  15  houndred  at  least 
a  tuzend!  und  on  de  gras  is  22  fellers  from 
scullege  dressed  like  crazy.  Und  is  a  ball  from 
pigs'  feet  they  hef  got  und  all  at  once  they  all 
begin  to  auchsun  off  de  ball.  Some  one  says 
21  —  22  —  23.  Abey  must  hef  bid  24,  because 
all  at  once  he  got  de  ball,  und  den  efery  one  of 
dose  22  loafers  dey  yump  on  Abey.  It's  offal, 
vhen  dey  get  up  here  is  Abey  on  the  ground  und 
he  can't  move  from  limps.  Und  spits  phlams 
from  blood.  Oi,  den  some  mushugarmer  goy  be- 
hind he  yells  hooray  for  Goldberg,  he  gained  it 
a  yard.  He  gained  it  a  yard —  He  lost  it  a 
foot,  you  dem  fool." 

THE  MISS  UNDERSTANDING 

A  Drama  in  One  Dram 

Scene,  interior  clothing  store.    Frosh  —  Let's 
see  your  new  underwear. 

Lady  clerk  (blushes)  —  Sir!    (Recovering  self- 
composure.)    Knit? 

Frosh  — Why  not? 

(Quick  curtain.    Gallery  goes  wild.) 

41 


Jgm'0  a  "Neto  <£ue 

RECRUITS 

Jigson  —  "  Hear  you  have  had  an  addition 
to  your  family." 

Nugson  —  "  Yes,  two." 

Jigson  —  "  Twins?  " 

Nugson  —  "No  —  a  baby  boy  and  my  wife's 
mother." 

ECONOMY 

A  Jew  got  into  a  train  fifteen  minutes  before 
train  time  and  immediately  put  his  ticket  in  his 
mouth,  and  kept  it  there  until  the  conductor 
came  along  and  took  it  out,  all  the  time  pretend- 
ing to  be  asleep.  After  the  conductor  took  the 
ticket  he  "  woke  up."  A  friend  of  the  same 
faith  happened  to  notice  all  this  and  his  inquisi- 
tiveness  getting  the  better  of  him,  he  went  over 
and  said:  "  Say,  Mr.  Cohen,  vot  fer  a  bizness 
iss  dis,  keeping  det  ticket  in  de  mout  all  de 
time?  "  "  Sh,  sh,  say  nuttink,  but  it  vas  an  olt 
excursion  ticket,  und  I  vas  licking  off  de  date." 

EXPERIENCED 

Employer  —  "  Do  you  know  the  duties  of  an 
office  boy?  " 

Office  Boy  —  "Yes,  sir;  wake  up  the  book- 
keeper when  I  hear  the  boss  coming." 

42 


CHARITY  UP  TO  DATE 

"  Say,  Louis,  dey  tell  me  you  vas  a  charity 
man.  You  nefer  did  any  charity  in  your  life; 
vy,  you  nefer  gafe  a  cent  to  anypody."  "  Iss  it  so? 
Veil,  you  listen  to  dis.  Yesterday  I  vas  standing 
it  in  front  of  Keith's  Teater,  ven  a  lady  mit  a 
leetle  baby  came  by,  and  dey  vere  both  crying. 
I  say  to  the  lady,  '  Vat's  de  matter,  madam? 
What  are  you  and  de  baby  crying  apout?  '  'Veil, 
sir,'  said  the  woman,  '  my  little  baby  is  sick,  and 
I  have  no  money  for  the  doctor.'  '  Veil,  veil, 
dot's  it  alright!  Here  is  fife  tollars.  You  take 
det  and  go  to  de  doctor  mit  de  baby;  he  vill 
charge  you  two  tollars  and  I  vill  vait  here  for  de 
change.'  Veil,  in  a  little  vhile  she  comes  it 
back  and  gifes  me  three  tollars  und  lots  of 
thanks.  Veil,  she  is  heppy,  for  she  hed  for  de 
baby  a  doctor;  de  baby  is  heppy,  for  she  feels 
better;  and  de  doctor  he  is  also  heppy,  for  he 
has  had  a  patient.  And  I?  Veil,  I  am  heppy,  too, 
for  de  fife  tollar  bill  vas  a  counterfeit." 

HEAVEN  BELOW 

Suitor  —  "I  have  no  bad  habits.  I  don't 
smoke  or  drink." 

Father  —  "  Neither  has  my  daughter.  She 
doesn't  play  or  sing." 

43 


AN  UNWRITTEN  LAW 

An  Irishman  and  a  Jew  were  having  it  out  in 
court,  and  the  case  was  going  against  the  Jew. 
He  was  very  much  worried,  and  conferring  with 
his  lawyer  said,  "  Say,  Mr.  Norton,  dis  case 
looks  it  bad  for  me,  hey?  "  "  Yes,"  answered 
the  lawyer,  "lam  afraid  we  are  going  to  lose." 
"  Listen  a  minute ;  supposing  I  shall  take  it  a 
box  cigars  and  send  it  to  de  judge,  don't  you 
tink  it  shall  help  some  mit  de  case?  "  "  What 
are  you  talking  about?  You  must  be  insane, 
intimidating  the  court;  why,  man  alive,  you  would 
fare  even  worse."  "  Oh,  all  right,  all  right,  dot 
vas  just  someting  I  had  in  my  mind."  The  case 
came  up  and  the  Jew  won.  His  lawyer  immedi- 
ately took  him  by  the  hand  and  congratulated  him. 
"  There,  you  see  one  can  never  tell;  we  won  our 
case."  "  Vat,  ve  von  it?  No,  sare,  I  von  it." 
"  What  do  you  mean?  I  won  it."  This  very  an- 
grily. "  Shure  I  von  de  case.  I  send  it  de  judge  a 
box  cigars,  and  put  Mr.  Casey's  name  on  it." 

MUNCHAUSEN,  JR. 

'Arold  —  "  Who  giv'  yer  yer  black  eye?  " 
Jimmie  —  "No  one.     I  was  lookm'  thro*  a 

knot-hole  in  the  fence  at  a  football  match,  an* 

got  it  sunburnt." 

44 


SOLVED   LIVING  COST 

*  I  understand  your  husband  is  a  man  of 
great  abilities." 

"  He  certainly  is.  He  beat  up  four  bill  col- 
lectors yesterday  so  they  can't  come  back  for 
six  months." 

FRATERNAL 

Jenkins,  a  newly  wedded  suburbanite,  kissed 
his  wife  good-by  the  other  morning,  and,  telling 
her  he  would  be  home  at  6,  got  into  his  auto  and 
started  for  town. 

At  6  p.  m.  no  hubby  had  appeared  and  the 
little  wife  began  to  get  nervous.  When  the  hour 
of  midnight  arrived  she  aroused  her  father  and 
sent  him  off  to  the  telegraph  office  with  six  tele- 
grams to  as  many  brother  Elks  living  in  town, 
asking  each  if  her  husband  was  stopping  with 
him  overnight. 

As  dawn  appeared,  a  farm  wagon  containing 
a  farmer  and  the  derelict  husband  drove  up  to 
the  house,  while  behind  the  wagon  trailed  the 
broken-down  auto.  Almost  simultaneously  came 
a  messenger  boy  with  an  answer  to  one  of  the 
telegrams,  followed  at  intervals  by  five  others. 
All  of  them  read: 

"  Yes,  John  is  spending  the  night  with  me." 

45 


INGENUITY 

A  Hebrew  who  had  collected  insurance  for 
six  different  fires  had  put  up  another  new  store 
and  immediately  made  a  call  on  the  agent  of 
the  insurance  company  to  take  out  some  more 
on  his  new  venture.  But  this  would  not  work  so 
easily.  The  agent  said,  "  No,  Mr.  Levin,  you 
cannot  have  any  more  insurance.  You  are  too 
great  a  risk.  Why,  you  have  had  six  fires  al- 
ready." 

"  Oh,  det  it  iss  alright;  so  hellup  me  I  von't 
have  another  fire,  no  sare,  not  another  fire;  det 
vas  de  last  vun.  Only  gif  me  my  insurance." 
Well,  they  argued  pro  and  con  for  an  hour,  and 
at  last  the  agent  said,  "  Well,  Levin,  I  will  tell 
you  what  I'll  do  with  you.  If  you  will  allow  me 
to  put  hand-grenades  all  over  your  store,  I'll 
take  another  chance."  "  Hand-grenades? " 
spoke  up  Levin.  "  Vy,  Meester  Agent,  you  can 
put  in  hook  and  ladder  companies,  fire  engines, 
hose  carts,  anyting,  only  gif  it  me  my  insurance." 
When  the  time  came  for  him  to  open  his  store, 
hanging  on  the  ceiling  and  on  the  walls  were 
about  two  hundred  hand-grenades.  Levin  was 
sitting  in  his  store,  the  opening  day,  when  a 
friend  of  his  came  in.  "  Hello,  Levin,  you  hef 
a  grandt  place  here,  isn't  it,  fine  and  dendy; 

46 


©m>8  a  Ntto  <£ue 

but  say,  vat  is  all  dose  colored  bottles  alround 
der  ceiling  und  der  vails?  Decorations?  "  "  Oh, 
no,  no,"  said  Levin;  "  my  insurance  agent  vud 
not  gif  it  me  my  insurance  papers  unless  I  put 
dose  tings  up  dere."  "  Vy,  you  don't  say  it;  und 
vat  vas  in  dem,  Levin?  "  "  Vot  vas  in  dem  I 
shall  not  know  it,  but  dere  is  kerosene  oil  in 
dem  now." 


A  DELICATE  HINT 

A  jarvey  was  driving  with  an  English  visitor  on 
a  bitterly  cold  day  in  December  through  the  wilds 
of  Connemara.  They  became  quite  sociable  on 
the  way,  and  the  native,  in  a  burst  of  confidence, 
pointed  out  a  shebeen  where  the  "  best  potheen 
in  Connaught  "  might  be  obtained.  The  English- 
man, only  too  glad  to  get  an  opportunity  of  warm- 
ing himself,  offered  refreshment,  which  offer 
was  readily  accepted. 

"  'Tis  a  very  cold  day  in  these  parts,  Pat,"  ob- 
served the  tourist. 

"  'Tis,  yer  honor,"  replied  Pat.  He  raised  his 
glass,  and  the  contents  speedily  vanished.  "  And 
there's  truth  in  the  old  sayin',"  he  suggestively 
added,  smacking  his  lips,  "  one  swallow  never 
made  a  summer." 

47 


Vltvt't*  a  KeUi  (Due 

WHAT  HE  WAS  DOING 

That  it  is  sometimes  mighty  easy  to  get  the 
truth  if  we  ask  for  it  was  demonstrated  the  other 
evening  by  a  story  told  by  George  Otis  Smith, 
director  of  the  Geological  Survey  at  Washington. 

One  afternoon  a  philanthropic  party  visited  a 
public  school  in  the  poorer  section  of  a  big  city, 
and,  while  making  a  study  of  the  conditions  in 
the  knowledge  factory,  thought  it  proper  to  ask 
the  youngsters  a  few  questions. 

"  Can  any  little  boy  or  girl  tell  me,"  said  he 
very  impressively,  "  what  is  the  greatest  of  all 
the  virtues?  " 

Nothing  doing.  Every  bright  little  face  looked 
as  if  the  mind  back  of  it  was  doing  a  hard  piece 
of  thinking,  but  there  was  no  reply. 

"  We  will  try  it  again,"  encouragingly  said  the 
philanthropist.  "  What  am  I  doing  when  I  give 
up  my  time  and  pleasure  to  come  and  talk  to 
you  in  your  school?  " 

"  I  know  now,  mister ! "  exclaimed  Johnny 
Smith,  raising  his  hand  and  snapping  his  fingers. 

"Well,  what  am  I  doing,  little  man?"  smi- 
lingly asked  the  visitor. 

"Buttin'  in!"  was  the  startling  rejoinder  of 
Johnny. 

48 


THE  DISADVANTAGES  OF  AN 
EDUCATION 

The  advantages  of  education  are  so  numerous 
and  so  evident  that  they  do  not  have  to  be  proved. 
Occasionally,  however,  there  are  disadvantages  as 
well. 

The  daughter  had  just  returned  from  finishing 
school. 

"  That  air,"  remarked  her  father,  as  they  were 
sitting  together  in  the  dining-room. 

11  Father,  dear,"  interrupted  the  girl,  "  it's 
vulgar  to  say  '  that  air.'  You  should  say,  '  That 
something  there,'  or  preferably,  just  '  that.'  " 

"  Well,  this  ear  —  "  commenced  her  father. 

"  No,"  his  daughter  interrupted  again.  "  That's 
just  as  vulgar.  You  must  avoid  such  expressions 
as  ■  This  'ere  —  '  " 

"  Look  here,  my  girl,"  said  her  father,  "  I'm 
going  to  say  exactly  what  I  mean.  That  air  is  bad 
for  this  ear  of  mine,  and  I'm  going  to  shut  the 
window." 

OH,  ANSWER  THE  CHILD 

"Pa,  was  Job  a  doctor?  " 
"  Not  that  I  know  of." 

"  Then  why  do  people  have  so  much  to  say 
about  the  patients  of  Job?  " 

49 


lucre's  a  TSfcU)  <&nc 

HIS  BUSINESS 

11  You  insist  that  the  officer  arrested  you  while 
you  were  quietly  attending  to  your  own  busi- 
ness? " 

"  Yes,  your  honor.  He  caught  me  suddenly  by 
the  collar,  and  threatened  to  strike  me  with  his 
club  unless  I  accompanied  him  to  the  station 
house." 

"  You  say  you  were  quietly  attending  to  your 
own  business,  making  no  noise  or  commotion  of 
any  kind?  " 

"  Yes,  your  honor." 

"  What  is  your  business?  " 

"  I'm  a  burglar." 

AN  ANNOYING  SPEED  LIMIT 

An  old  man  nearly  eighty  years  old  walked  ten 
miles  from  his  home  to  an  adjoining  town.  When 
he  reached  his  destination,  he  was  greeted  with 
some  astonishment  by  an  acquaintance. 

"  You  walked  all  the  way ! "  the  latter  ex- 
claimed.   "  How  did  you  get  along?  " 

"  Oh,  first  rate !  "  the  old  man  replied,  genially. 
"  That  is,  I  did  till  I  came  to  that  sign  out  there, 
1  Slow  down  to  fifteen  miles  an  hour.'  That 
kept  me  back  some." 

50 


AT  REST  AT  LAST 

In  a  recent  long-drawn  trial  in  New  York  the 
defense  introduced  a  miner  as  a  witness  and 
went  into  a  detailed  inquiry  as  to  his  exact  where- 
abouts for  the  past  ten  years.  It  was  most  weari- 
some. For  a  day  and  a  half  the  lawyers  asked 
this  man  to  tell  his  wanderings  year  by  year. 
Finally  they  got  down  to  191 1  and  asked  him: 

"  What  did  you  do  on  May  16,  191 1?  " 

"  I  went  to  Cobalt." 

"  How  long  did  you  remain  there?  " 

"  I  have  been  there  ever  since." 

Juror  Number  Nine  rose  in  his  place  and  said 
fervently : 

"Thank  God!" 

AN  EMERGENCY 

When  a  certain  darky  of  Mobile,  Ala.,  an- 
nounced his  engagement  to  the  dusky  one  of  his 
choice,  the  congratulations  that  were  showered 
upon  him  included  a  note  of  wonder. 

"  Joe,"  said  one  of  these  friends,  "  I  shore  is 
surprized !  We-all  never  thought  you'd  speak  up. 
It's  going  on  two  years  sence  you  begun  to  fool 
around  Miss  Violet." 

"Dat's  true,"  said  Joe;  "but  de  fact  is,  old 
man,  I  didn't  lose  my  job  until  last  night." 


|$m'0  a  Neto  (Due 

LOVE'S  YOUNG  DREAM 

The  newly  married  young  woman  rushed  into 
her  father's  presence  and  threw  herself  on  her 
knees  before  him. 

"  Oh,  papa!  "  she  sobbed.  "  I  have  come  for 
your  forgiveness  and  blessing!  It  was  wrong 
and  undutiful  of  me,  but  I  loved  Richard  so  that 
I  just  had  to  elope  with  him.  But  I  couldn't  be 
happy  till  I  had  been  reconciled  with  you,  so  here 
I  am  at  your  feet." 

"  Well,  well,"  growled  the  old  man,  much  af- 
fected in  spite  of  himself,  "  I  suppose  I'll  have  to. 
But  you  are  alone !   Where  is  —  er  —  Richard?  " 

"  He's  just  outside,  papa,  dear,  with  the  cab- 
man. And  now  that  you  have  forgiven  us,  please 
lend  us  enough  to  pay  the  horrid  brute,  so  that 
he'll  go  away.  You  see,  we  had  only  enough 
money  for  the  license  and  the  minister." 

AN  EXPERIENCE 

A  very  young  wife,  in  a  strange  hotel,  trying  to 
find  her  husband,  and  thinking  he  was  taking  a 
bath,  knocked  on  the  bathroom  door  and  said: 
"  Honey,  are  you  there?  " 
And  a  strange  masculine  voice  replied : 
"  Madam,  this  is  not  a  bee  hive,  it's  a  bath- 
room ! " 

52 


J&tvt'u  a  Ncto  (Due 

ON  THE  WRONG  CAR 

Rastus  was  in  New  York  for  the  first  time,  and 
wanted  to  go  to  the  Polo  Grounds  to  see  a  ball 
game.  Getting  on  one  car,  he  paid  his  nickel, 
rode  half  an  hour,  then,  getting  impatient,  asked 
the  conductor  where  he  was  going.  Upon  learn- 
ing from  that  dignitary  that  he  was  on  the  wrong 
car  and  well  over  in  Brooklyn,  off  he  jumped,  and 
took  another  car,  which  he  was  told  would  take 
him  to  the  game.  This  time  he  landed  at  the 
Battery,  very  excited  at  his  hard  luck.  The 
third  time  he  caught  a  car,  sat  down,  wiped 
the  perspiration  from  his  face,  and  began  to  cuss 
as  only  a  full-born  nigger  can.  A  preacher  sitting 
next  to  him  heard  him,  looked  over  and  said: 

"  Why,  don't  you  know  you're  going  straight 
to  hell?  " 

Up  jumped  Rastus,  made  one  dive  for  the  door, 
stopping  only  long  enough  to  shout  to  the  preacher : 
"  Fo'  de  Lawd's  sake,  massa,  I  is  on  de  wrong  car 
again!  " 

IMPORTANT 

Wife  (on  an  auto  tour)  —  "  That  fellow  back 
there  said  there  is  a  roadhouse  a  few  miles  down 
the  road.    Shall  we  stop  there?  " 

Husband  —  "  Did  he  whisper  it  or  say  it  out 
loud?  " 

53 


WANTED  TO  KNOW 

A  little  slum  child  was  enjoying  his  first  glimpse 
of  pastoral  life. 

The  setting  sun  was  gilding  the  grass  and 
roses  of  the  old-fashioned  garden,  and  on  a  little 
stool  he  sat  beside  the  farmer's  wife,  who  was 
plucking  a  chicken. 

He  watched  the  operation  gravely  for  some 
time.    Then  he  spoke: 

"  Do  yer  take  off  their  clothes  every  night, 
lady?"  ' 

WITH  APOLOGIES  TO  MARY 

Mary  had  a  little  cat, 

'Twas  white  and  black  and  yellow, 
And  pretty  Mary  loved  it  so 

She  never  had  a  fellow. 

Mary  had  a  Thomas  cat, 

It  warbled  like  Caruso; 
A  neighbor  swung  a  baseball  bat. 

Now  Thomas  doesn't  do  so. 

YOUR  DEAL 

"  Wot  was  that  last  card  Oi  dealt  ye,  Moike?  " 
"  A  shpade." 

"  Oi  knew  it!  Oi  saw  ye  spit  on  yer  hands  be- 
fore you  picked  it  up." 

54 


fere's  a  Neto  ©ne 

SUBTRACTION 

The  teacher  was  hearing  the  youthful  class  in 
mathematics. 

"  No,"  she  said,  "  in  order  to  subtract,  things 
have  to  be  in  the  same  denomination.  For  in- 
stance, we  couldn't  take  three  pears  from  four 
peaches,  nor  eight  horses  from  ten  cats.  Do  you 
understand?  " 

There  was  assent  from  the  majority  of  pupils. 
One  little  boy  in  the  rear  raised  a  timid  hand. 

11  Well,  Bobby,  what  is  it?  "  asked  teacher. 

"  Please,  teacher,"  said  Bobby,  "  couldn't  you 
take  three  quarts  of  milk  from  two  cows?  " 

LITERARY  INSTINCTS 

As  Jones  wended  his  uncertain  way  homeward, 
he  pondered  ways  of  concealing  his  condition 
from  his  wife. 

"  I'll  go  home  and  read,"  he  decided.  "  Who 
ever  heard  of  a  drunken  man  reading  a  book?  " 

Later  Mrs.  Jones  heard  a  noise  in  the  library. 
"  What  in  the  world  are  you  doing  in  there?  " 
she  asked. 

"  Reading,  my  dear,"  Jones  replied  cheerfully. 

"You  old  idiot!"  she  said  scornfully,  as  she 
looked  in  at  the  library  door,  "  shut  up  that  valise 
and  come  to  bed." 

55 


SHE  KNEW  WHY 

An  old  Scotch  lady  was  told  that  her  minister 
used  notes.  She  disbelieved  it.  Said  one,  "  Go 
into  the  gallery  and  see." 

She  did  so  and  saw  the  written  sermon.  After 
the  luckless  preacher  had  concluded  his  reading 
on  the  last  page,  he  said,  "  But  I  will  not  en- 
large." 

The  old  woman  cried  out  from  her  lofty  position, 
"  Ye  canna,  ye  canna,  for  your  paper's  give  oot!  " 

BUSINESS  HEAD 

"  Open  the  window,  waiter;  I  am  roasting,"  a 
customer  exclaimed  who  had  just  dined  at  a 
Paris  restaurant. 

"  Shut  it  up,  waiter;  I  am  frozen,"  protested 
a  man  who  had  just  sat  down. 

The  waiter  hesitated.  The  proprietor  settled 
the  dispute  at  once. 

"  Obey  the  customer  who  has  not  yet  dined," 
he  said. 

A  MAKESHIFT 

"  Look  here,  Mose ;  I  thought  you  were  going 
to  be  baptized  into  the  Baptist  Church?  " 

"Yaas,  sah,  I  was.  But  Fs  bein'  sprinkled 
into  de  'Piscopal  till  de  summer  comes." 

56 


IQtxz'u  a  jtfeto  (Due 

THAT'S  THE  QUESTION 

"  Here  is  a  story  of  a  Chicago  woman  who  says 
that  present  marriage  laws  make  woman  the 
slave  of  man,"  said  the  square-jawed  matron  as 
she  looked  up  from  the  newspaper. 

"  Why  don't  they  enforce  the  law,  then  ?  " 
meekly  asked  Mr.  Henpe.cke. 

v 

WANTED  TO  SWAP 

Two  Kansas  city  lawyers,  whose  names  are 
withheld  for  obvious  reasons,  declare  that  they 
were  present  when  the  following  incident  oc- 
curred: 

Uncle  Mose  was  a  chronic  thief  who  usually 
managed  to  keep  within  the  petty  larceny  limit. 
One  time  he  miscalculated,  however,  and  was 
sent  to  trial  on  a  charge  of  grand  larceny. 

"  Have  you  a  lawyer,  Mose? "  asked  the 
court. 

"  No,  sah." 

"  Well,  to  be  perfectly  fair,  I'll  appoint  a  couple. 
Mr.  Jones  and  Mr.  Brown  will  act  as  counsel." 

"  What's  dat?  " 

11  Act  as  your  lawyers  —  consult  with  them  and 
prepare  to  tell  me  whether  you  are  guilty  or  not 
guilty." 

"  Yas,  sah." 

57 


here's  a  Ncto  (5>ur 

Mose  talked  to  his  attorneys  for  a  few  moments 
in  husky  whispers.  The  judge  caught  only  the 
word  alibi,  several  times  repeated.  Then  Mose 
arose,  scratched  his  head,  and  addressed  the 
court: 

"  Jedge,  yoh  Honah,"  he  said.  "  Cou'se  Ah's 
only  an  ign'ant  niggah,  an'  Ah  don'  want  toh 
bothah  yoh  Honah,  but  Ah  would  suttinly  like  toh 
trade,  yoh  Honah,  one  ob  dese  yeah  lawyers  foh 
a  witness." 

FLY  IN  THE  OINTMENT 

Two  Glasgow  women,  meeting  one  day,  fell  into 
conversation,  and  the  one  said  to  the  other: 

"Aye,  Mrs.  McTavish,  an'  so  Jeanie's  got 
marriet!" 

"  She  has  that,  Mrs.  McAlpine." 

"  An'  how's  she  getting  on?  " 

11  Oh,  no  sae  bad  at  a'.  There's  only  one  thing 
the  matter.  She  carina  bide  her  man!  But,  then, 
there's  aye  something." 

BRIGHT,  OR  LAZY 

"  Johnny,  I  don't  believe  you've  studied  your 
geography." 

"No,  mum;  I  heard  pa  say  the  map  of  the 
world  was  changing  every  day  an*  I  thought  I'd 
wait  a  few  years,  till  things  got  settled." 

58 


ALL  ABOARD 

The  Ark  was  manned  and  well  equipped 

And  waiting  for  the  tide ; 
You'd  Noah  most  peculiar  crowd 

Of  creatures  were  inside. 
The  social  lion  had  his  place, 

The  deadly  boar  was  there, 
The  rat  was  very  plainly  seen 

Beneath  the  little  hare. 
The  golf  lynx  and  the  legal  seal 

Stood  by  the  hobby  horse; 
The  end-seat  hog  was  blocking  up 

The  passageway,  of  course. 
The  German  stag,  the  Irish  bull, 

Also  the  Latin  shark, 
The  sad  bird  and  the  gay  bird, 

The  lobster  on  a  lark, 
The  scapegoat  and  the  bookworm, 

The  rabbit  a  la  Wales, 
The  fire  dogs  and  the  night  hawk 

Were  hauling  up  the  sails. 

SETTING  HER  RJGHT 

Angry  Purchaser  —  Didn't  you  tell  me  that 
you  had  got  as  many  as  twelve  eggs  in  one  day 
from  those  eight  hens  you  sold  me? 

Poultry  Raiser  —  Yes,  ma'am. 

59 


Angry  Purchaser  —  Then  why  is  it  that  I'm 
never  able  to  get  more  than  two  eggs  from  them, 
and  sometimes  not  so  many  in  one  day? 

Poultry  Raiser  —  I  don't  know,  ma'am,  un- 
less it's  because  you  look  for  eggs  too  often. 
Now,  if  you  look  for  them  only  once  a  week,  I 
feel  quite  positive  that  you  will  get  just  as  many 
eggs  in  one  day  as  I  did. 

HELPING  HIM  OUT 

Mr.  Dippy  —  I  wish  to  do  something  to  show 
my  regard  for  your  sister,  but  I  can't  think  of 
what  she  might  like  the  best,  so  I  thought  I'd  ask 
you  to  help  me  out. 

Miss  Snippy  —  Well,  if  you  want  to  do  some- 
thing that  will  please  her  more  than  anything 
else,  you  might  stop  hanging  around  here  six 
nights  a  week  and  give  some  other  fellow  a 
chance. 

THE  PACE  THAT  KILLS 

A  youth  of  fifteen  whose  father  was  occasion- 
ally given  to  the  use  of  profanity  in  his  home,  con- 
tracted the  same  habit,  much  to  the  disturbance 
of  both  his  parents. 

60 


1%tKtf%  a  Heto  ©tie 

His  mother,  concluding  that  something  must 
be  done  to  prevent  it  becoming  an  established 
habit,  made  a  rule  that  after  a  certain  date,  a 
fine  of  two  cents  should  be  paid  her  for  every 
profane  word  used.  Owing,  however,  to  the  fact 
that  all  the  family  were  good  Universalists,  a  com- 
promise was  reached  on  the  words  "  devil  "  and 
"  hell,"  the  fine  for  these  being  placed  at  one  cent. 

The  first  night's  settlement  found  the  father 
owing  two  cents  and  the  son  five  cents,  but  no- 
body had  any  pennies.  The  son  refused  to  pay 
his  part  unless  his  father  paid  also.  Finally, 
when  all  hope  of  an  adjustment  had  passed,  the 
son  spoke  up.  "  Say,  Dad,  be  a  sport.  Go  to  it; 
make  it  even  five  cents  —  you  can  get  two  damns 
and  a  hell  for  a  nickel." 

THE  PROVIDENT  DARKY 

"  The  darky,"  says  a  Southern  congressman, 
"  although  proverbially  improvident,  sometimes 
has  his  weather-eye  open. 

"  In  Mobile,  one  day,  I  gave  a  quarter  to  a 
colored  youth,  who  had  done  me  some  trifling 
service.  The  coin  was  handed  back  to  me.  '  Ex- 
cuse me,  boss,'  said  the  negro;  '  yo'  knows  I 
don't  want  no  pay  f o'  what  I  does  fo'  yo'.  Yo'  jes' 
gimme  dat  ole  suit  of  clothes  yo'  has  on.'  " 

61 


A  POOR  PROVIDER 

The  daughter  of  the  family  had  received  a  pro- 
posal of  marriage,  and  the  momentous  subject 
was  being  discussed  at  the  breakfast  table  the 
next  morning. 

"  Say,  dad,"  spoke  up  Freddie,  "  I  don't  be- 
lieve sister's  feller  will  make  a  good  husband." 

"  What  makes  you  think  so,  my  boy?  "  asked 
his  father,  with  a  smile. 

"Why,"  returned  Freddie,  "he's  been  com- 
ing here  for  over  a  year,  and  in  all  that  time  he's 
given  me  only  seventeen  cents." 

TONSORIAL  ART 

Barber  —  Poor  Jim  has  been  sent  to  a  lunatic 
asylum. 

Victim  (in  chair)  —  Who's  Jim? 

"  Jim  is  my  twin  brother,  sir.  Jim  has  long 
been  broodin'  over  the  hard  times,  an*  I  suppose 
he  finally  got  crazy." 

"  Is  that  so?  " 

"  Yes,  he  and  me  has  worked  side  by  side  for 
years,  and  we  were  so  alike  we  couldn't  tell  each 
other  apart.  We  both  brooded  a  great  deal,  too. 
No  money  in  this  business  now." 

"  What's  the  reason?  " 

62 


"  Prices  too  low.  Unless  a  customer  takes  a 
shampoo,  it  doesn't  pay  to  shave  or  hair-cut. 
Poor  Jim,  I  caught  him  trying  to  cut  a  customer's 
throat  because  he  refused  a  shampoo,  so  I  had 
to  have  the  poor  fellow  locked  up.  Makes  me 
sad.  Sometimes  I  feel  sorry  I  didn't  let  him  slash 
all  he  wanted  to.  It  might  have  saved  his  reason. 
Shampoo,  sir?  " 

"Yes!" 

A  DARK  PLOT 

Members  of  a  certain  club  in  New  York  tell  of 
a  conversation  that  was  heard  to  occur  between 
two  members  just  before  Christmas. 

"  Sam,"  said  one,  "  I  understand  from  my 
wife  that  you  and  Mrs.  Blank  are  to  call  upon  us 
to-night." 

"  I  believe  some  such  arrangement  has  been 
made,"  said  the  other  member. 

Whereupon  the  first  member  knit  his  brows  in 
deep  reflection  and  fidgeted  nervously  in  his  chair. 

"  Sam,"  said  he  finally,  "lam  going  to  ask  a 
favor  of  you.  Please  do  not  let  your  wife  wear 
her  new  sables.  The  fact  is,  that  at  this  particu- 
lar time,  I  don't  want  my  wife  to  see  them." 

"  Why,  Dick,"  smiled  the  other  member,  "  that 
was  what  we  were  coming  for." 

63 


A  FINE  JOKE 

Stopping  the  sporty  student,  who  was  having 
a  hot  time  scorching  over  the  speedway  with  a 
fast  bunch,  the  country  constable  brought  him 
before  the  judge. 

"  Hm-m!  "  growled  the  justice.  "You  were 
here  yesterday,  and  it  cost  you  ten.  College  stu- 
dent, aren't  you?  " 

"  Yes,  your  honor.  I  have  had  three  years  of 
culture." 

"  And,  therefore,  you  should  be  refined." 

"  I  am,"  said  the  defendant,  as  hopes  of  es- 
caping with  his  pocketbook  uninjured  arose. 

"  You  are !  "  retorted  the  judge.  "  Fifty  dol- 
lars!" 

FATAL  ADMISSION 

A  man  who  had  been  troubled  with  bronchitis 
for  a  long  time,  called  on  a  rather  noted  doctor. 
After  a  few  questions,  the  doctor  told  him  he  had 
a  very  common  ailment  that  would  readily  yield 
to  treatment. 

"  You're  so  sure  you  can  cure  my  bronchitis," 
said  the  man,  "  you  must  have  had  great  experi- 
ence with  it." 

"Why,  my  dear  sir,"  confided  the  doctor, 
"  I've  had  it  myself  for  over  twenty  years! " 

64 


A  MISUNDERSTANDING 

Indignant  customer  (pushing  his  way  into 
tailor  shop  and  throwing  down  a  package)  — 
Say,  you,  give  me  back  my  money!  These  new 
trousers  have  a  patch  in  the  rear! 

Agitated  tailor  —  Why,  sir,  I  thought  you 
wanted  them  to  have  a  patch  in  the  rear.  You 
told  me  to  include  the  latest  novelty.  That  patch 
is  made  of  a  material  that  you  can  light  safety 
matches  on. 

WHAT  HE  WAS 

Miss  Chatterson  —  I  hear  you've  been  opera- 
ting in  the  stock  market.  Were  you  a  bull  or 
a  bear? 

Mr.  Smatterson  —  Neither.    I  was  the  goat. 

EASY 

"  Have  any  trouble  naming  the  baby?  " 
"  Not  at  all.    We've  only  one  rich  relative  of 
her  sex." 

SIMILAR 

Bacon  —  Huxley  said  that  an  oyster  is  as  com- 
plicated as  a  watch. 

Egbert  —  Well,  I  know  both  of  them  run  down 
easily. 

65 


fi)tvtfti  a  KtUi  <&w 

AWFUL  BLUNDER 

A  nice  but  not  especially  clever  young  man 
went  to  a  little  evening  party  in  the  East  End  last 
week  —  so  the  story  goes. 

This  young  man  was  introduced  to  several 
pretty  girls,  but  he  showed  a  distinct  preference 
for  a  certain  one  of  these,  and  her  he  led  to  sup- 
per and  distinguished  among  all  others  by  his 
favors.  Finally  he  got  her  into  a  corner  and  stam- 
mered forth  his  admiration,  thus: 

"I  like  you  a  lot!" 

"  Why  do  you  like  me?  " 

"  You're  the  only  college  girl  I  ever  liked." 

"  But  why  am  I?  " 

"  Aw  —  all  the  other  college  girls  seem  to 
know  so  much !  " 

EDGAR  KNEW  THEM 

The  teacher  was  hearing  her  class  of  small 
boys  in  mathematics. 

"  Edgar,"  she  said,  "  if  your  father  can  do  a 
piece  of  work  in  seven  days,  and  your  Uncle  Will- 
iam can  do  it  in  nine  days,  how  long  would  it  take 
both  of  them  to  do  it?  " 

"  They  would  never  get  done,"  answered  the 
boy,  earnestly.  "  They  would  sit  down  and  tell 
fish  stories." 

66 


fere's  a  Neto  <£ue 

AN  IRISH  GUIDE 

The  Cork  driver  had  a  brother  in  Dublin  who 
got  a  chance  (and  took  it)  of  explaining  the  sights 
of  the  town  to  a  "  stranger."  The  stranger  was 
an  Englishman,  and  as  the  car  was  passing  the 
post-office,  he  said  to  the  jarvey:  "  This  is  a  very 
fine  building." 

"  Och,  sor,"  said  he,  with  a  truly  Irish  bull, 
"  but  ye  should  see  the  front.  This  is  the  back 
—  the  front's  behind." 

"  Then,  what  are  those  figures  on  the  roof?  " 
asked  the  Englishman. 

"  These,  sor,"  replied  the  Jehu, "  are  the  twelve 
apostles." 

"The  twelve  apostles!"  repeated  the  tourist; 
"  there  are  only  three." 

"  Ach,  sure,"  said  Pat  in  a  tone  that  indicated 
anything  was  good  enough  for  an  Englishman; 
"  the  rest  are  inside  sortin'  the  letters,  sor." 

SOMETIMES  LESS 

"  Twice  did  Smith  refuse  to  take  a  drink  on 
conscientious  grounds." 

"  Then  the  third  time  he  should  have  felt  jus- 
tified in  taking  one." 

"  Why  so?  " 

"  Because  three  scruples  make  one  dram." 

G7 


SICK  OF  LOVE 

A  Washington  woman  has  in  her  employ  as 
butler  a  colored  man  of  a  pompous  and  satisfied 
mien,  who  not  long  ago  permitted  a  damsel,  long 
his  ardent  admirer,  to  become  his  spouse. 

One  day  when  the  mistress  of  the  house  had 
occasion  to  temporarily  avail  herself  of  the  serv- 
ices of  the  butler's  wife,  it  was  observed  that 
whenever  the  duties  of  the  two  brought  them 
in  conjunction  the  bride's  eyes  would  shine  with 
extraordinary  devotion. 

"  Your  wife  seems  wonderfully  attached  to  you, 
Thomas,"  casually  observed  the  mistress  of  the 
house. 

"Yes,  ma'am,"  answered  Thomas,  compla- 
cently.   "  Ain't  it  jest  sickenin'  ?  " 

CAREFUL 

An  Irish  politician  had  just  returned  from  a  trip 
abroad.   A  friend  met  him  and  inquired : 

"  Did  you  have  a  fine  time,  Mike?  " 

"  Of  course  I  did." 

"  Did  you  visit  the  theatres  in  Paris?  " 

"  Sure,  I  was  in  all  of  'em." 

"Well,  tell  me,  Mike,  and  did  ye  see  any 
pommes  de  terre?  " 

"  No.    I  had  the  wife  with  me  all  the  time." 

68 


ADVISING  THE  COURT 

A  colored  man  was  brought  before  a  police 
judge  charged  with  stealing  chickens.  He 
pleaded  guilty  and  received  sentence,  when  the 
judge  asked  him  how  it  was  he  managed  to  lift 
those  chickens  right  under  the  window  of  the 
owner's  house,  when  there  was  a  dog  in  the  yard. 

"  Hit  wouldn't  be  of  no  use,  judge,"  said  the 
man,  "to  try  to  'splane  dis  ting  to  you  all.  Ef 
you  was  to  try  it,  you  like  as  not  would  get  yer 
hide  full  o'  shot  an'  git  no  chickens,  nuther.  Ef 
you  want  to  engage  in  any  rascality,  judge,  yo' 
bettah  stick  to  de  bench,  whar  yo'  am  familiar." 

NO  LICENSE  NECESSARY 

The  defendant,  who  was  held  on  the  charge  of 
keeping  a  dog  without  a  license,  repeatedly  tried 
to  interrupt  the  evidence,  but  was  hushed  each 
time  by  the  court.  Finally,  the  clerk  turned  to 
him: 

"  Do  you  wish  the  court  to  understand  that 
you  refuse  to  renew  your  dog  license?  " 

"Yes,  but  —  " 

"  We  want  no  *  buts.*  You  must  renew  your 
license  or  be  fined.  You  know  it  expired  on  Janu- 
ary i." 

"  Yes,  but  so  do  the  dog." 

CO 


THE  NUT  CRACKER 

Mrs.  Cooke  had  a  new  servant,  and  after  the 
first  cake  was  baked  the  mistress  went  to  the 
kitchen. 

"  Delia,"  said  Mrs.  Cooke,  "  your  cake  was 
very  good,  but  there  were  not  enough  nuts  in  it. 
When  you  make  another,  please  remember  I  like 
plenty  of  nuts  in  the  cake." 

"  Well,  mum,"  replied  the  girl,  "  the  reason 
I  didn't  put  more  in  was  because  I  couldn't  crack 
any  more  to-day.  Indeed,  mum,  an'  my  jaw 
hurts  yet  from  them  I  did  crack." 

SIBILANT  PRAISE 

One  of  the  ushers  approached  a  man  who  ap- 
peared to  be  annoying  those  about  him. 

"  Don't  you  like  the  show?  " 

"Yes,  indeed!" 

"  Then  why  do  you  persist  in  hissing  the  per- 
formers? " 

"Why,  m-man  alive,  I  w-was-n't  h-hissing! 
I  w-was  s-s-simply  s-s-s-saying  to  S-s-s-sammie 
that  the  s-s-s-singing  is  s-s-s-superb.' 


» 


Half  the  world  don't  know  how  their  better 
halves  live,  and  if  they  are  wise,  won't  try  to  find 
out. 

70 


SPARRING  FOR  TIME 

"  Will  you  be  my  wife?  "  begged  the  infatuated 
youth. 

"  I  will  let  you  know  in  a  week,"  temporized 
the  beauteous  maiden. 

"  Why  not  now?  " 

"  Gee,  you  gotto  gimme  time  to  break  my  other 
engagements,  aintcher?  "  said  the  girl,  forgetting 
her  grammar  for  the  nonce. 

The  young  man  couldn't  do  anything  but  ac- 
quiesce, could  he?  And  who  are  we  to  read  minds 
and  say  what  he  thought? 

INDIANS  AND  INDIANS 

Mr.  Porkington,  of  Chicago,  visiting  in  New 
York,  was  introduced  to  a  lady  as  from  that 
growing  town. 

"Ah!"  she  smiled,  with  the  keen  cynicism  of 
the  effete  East.  "  From  Chicago?  I  suppose  you 
have  Indians  out  there?  " 

"  Yes,  madam,  some,"  he  replied  humbly. 

"Ah!    Aren't  you  afraid  of  being  scalped?" 

"  Not  now,  madam;  not  now,"  he  responded, 
with  profound  sincerity.  "  I  was,  before  I  came 
to  New  York ;  but  having  been  skinned  as  I  have 
by  these  New  York  Indians,  I  consider  scalping 
by  our  Chicago  brand  as  a  mere  bagatelle." 

Then  there  was  a  lull  in  the  conversation. 

71 


PRECISION 

President  Wilson,  at  a  dinner  in  Washington, 
said  of  a  statistician: 

"  His  figures  are  so  precise  that  one  inclines 
to  doubt  them.  He  is  like  the  American  sugar 
planter  in  Hawaii,  who,  taking  a  friend  to  the 
edge  of  a  volcano,  said: 

"  '  That  crater,  George,  is  just  seventy  thou- 
sand and  four  years  old.' 

"  '  But  why  the  four?  '  George  asked. 

"  *  Oh,  I've  been  here  four,'  was  the  reply. 
*  It  was  seventy  thousand  when  I  came.' " 

TAKING  NO  CHANCES 

Cautious    Storekeeper: 

"  I  see  you  have  mushrooms,"  she  said,  as  she 
stopped  in  front  of  a  grocery. 

"  Yes'm,  they  are  said  to  be  mushrooms,"  was 
the  reply  of  the  grocer. 

"  But  aren't  they?  " 

"  I'm  not  going  to  say,  madam.  They  may  be 
or  may  not." 

"Oh,  I  see!  You  think  they  may  be  toad- 
stools? " 

"  They  may  be." 

"  And  would  kill  those  who  ate  them?  " 

"  Exactly." 

72 


11 1  remember  to  have  read  that  a  score  or  more 
of  people  in  New  York  ate  toadstool  and  died." 

"  I  read  the  same  thing,  madam." 

11  And  so  —  so  —  " 

"  So  there  they  are.  If  they  are  real  mush- 
rooms, you  get  a  bargain  at  the  price  asked;  if 
they  are  toadstools,  your  heirs  can't  get  a  cent  out 
of  me,  for  everything  is  in  my  wife's  name." 

The  woman  said  she  would  take  two  beets  and 
a  carrot,  and  let  it  go  at  that. 

IN  BAD 

Young  Jack  was  talking  to  the  new  visitor  soon 
after  her  arrival.  He  eyed  her  critically  for  a  few 
moments,  then  looked  up  and  said: 

"  So  you're  my  grandmother,  are  you?  " 

"  Yes,  dear.  On  your  father's  side,"  remarked 
the  old  lady,  smiling. 

"Well,  you're  on  the  wrong  side;  you'll  find 
that  out,"  replied  Jack,  without  removing  his 
gaze. 

A  CHANGE  OF  CLIMATE 

The  bellboy  jumped  as  he  heard  the  bell, 
And  he  scented  another  dime. 
As  he  ran  for  the  stairs,  he  said  in  glee, 
11 1  am  called  to  another  climb." 

73 


APPRECIATED  BREVITY 

Doctor  Abernethy,  the  famous  Scotch  surgeon, 
was  a  man  of  few  words,  but  he  once  met  his 
match  —  in  a  woman.  She  called  at  his  office  in 
Edinburgh  one  day,  and  showed  a  hand  badly 
inflamed  and  swollen,  when  the  following  dia- 
logue, opened  by  the  doctor,  took  place : 

"  Bum?  " 

"  Bruise." 

"  Poultice." 

The  next  day  the  woman  called  again,  and  the 
dialogue  was  as  follows: 

"  Better?  " 

"  Worse." 

"  More  poultice." 

Two  days  later  the  woman  made  another  call, 
and  this  conversation  occurred: 

"  Better?  " 

"  Well.    Fee?  " 

"Nothing!"  exclaimed  the  doctor.  "Most 
sensible  woman  I  ever  met." 

RAPID  WORK 

Residents  in  rival  cities,  Jones  and  Brown  were 
bragging  hard  about  the  excellence  of  their  re- 
spective homes. 

"  Take  our  fire  brigade,"  said  Jones,  after  an 

74 


TQtxVu  a  TSFtto  (Due 

hour's  heated  discussion.  "  Do  you  know,  the 
other  day  a  fire  broke  out  in  our  town,  and  within 
three  minutes  the  engine  came  along,  but  it  was 
going  so  fast  that  the  driver  couldn't  pull  up  till 
he  was  a  mile  past  the  burning  house." 

Brown  smiled  in  a  superior  fashion. 

11  My  dear  fellow,  that's  nothing,"  he  said. 
"  One  day  two  men  were  working  on  a  church 
steeple  in  my  city,  and  suddenly  one  of  them 
slipped.  A  terrible  death  would  have  been  his, 
but  a  spectator  had  the  presence  of  mind  to 
call  the  fire  brigade  on  the  telephone,  and  they 
came  just  in  time  to  catch  him  in  a  blanket." 

EXPERIENCED 

The  ladies  were  discussing  a  wedding  which 
took  place  in  their  church  the  previous  evening. 

"  And  do  you  know,"  continued  the  first  and 
best-informed  lady  of  the  party,  "  just  as  Frank 
and  the  widow  started  up  the  aisle  to  the  altar 
every  light  in  the  church  went  out." 

This  startling  bit  of  information  was  greeted 
by  a  number  of  "Oh's!" 

"What  did  the  couple  do  then?"  finally  in- 
quired one  who  beat  the  others  out  in  regaining 
her  breath. 

"  Kept  on  going.    The  widow  knew  the  way." 

75 


AN  UNFRIENDLY  TIP 

It  was  the  first  night  of  a  barnstorming  troupe 
in  a  small  Western  town,  billed  to  play  the  re- 
mainder of  the  week. 

The  villain  dragged  the  shrinkingtfieroine  down 
the  stage  to  the  footlights,  and  in  her  ear  he 
hissed:    "Are  we  alone?" 

And  from  the  meagre  audience  came  a  wearied 
growl:  "  Not  to-night,  you  ain't;  but  you  will  be 
to-morrow  night." 

WOULD  HE? 

("  I  am  very  fond  of  limericks."  —  Woodrow 
Wilson.) 

Mr.  Wood  of  N.  J.  lived  at  Wood  Row, 
And  he'd  row  o'er  the  lake  to  see  Woodrow, 

But  if  Woodrow  some  day 

Were  to  ask  Wood,  now  pray 
Would  Wood  row  Woodrow  o'er  to  Wood  Row? 

BEFORE  HER  TIME 

Little  Alice  came  in  the  house  at  luncheon- 
time  with  a  pair  of  very  dirty  hands.    Her  mother 
looked  at  the  little  girl's  hands  and  said: 
"  You  never  saw  my  hands  as  dirty  as  yours." 
"  No,  mother,"  replied  the  child,  "  but  grand- 
mother did." 

76 


A  TRUTHFUL  STORY-TELLER 

William  had  been  to  Catalina  with  his  mother, 
and  had  enjoyed  the  trip  in  the  glass-bottom  boat. 
He  was  telling  about  it  to  a  little  friend. 

"  Yes,  Edgar,  we  could  see  the  fish  laying  on 
the  bottom  of  the  ocean ! " 

"  Lying,  dear,"  put  in  his  mother. 

"  No,  I'm  not,  mother,"  he  replied  stoutly. 

HIS  NAME 

She  ransacked  every  novel, 

And  the  dictionary,  too, 
But  nothing  ever  printed 

For  her  baby's  name  would  do; 
She  hunted  appellations 

From  the  present  and  the  past, 
And  this  is  what  she  named  him 

When  they  christened  him  at  last: 

Julian  Harold  Egbert 

Ulysses  Victor  Paul 
Algernon  Marcus  Cecil 

Sylvester  George  McFall. 
But  after  all  the  trouble 

She'd  taken  for  his  sake, 
His  father  called  him  Fatty, 

And  his  schoolmates  called  him  Jake. 
77 


CULTIVATING  THE  FORK 

Alfred  Gwynne  Vanderbilt,  dressed  after  the 
best  English  manner  in  a  black,  tight,  long-tailed 
morning  coat,  dark  trousers,  gray  topped  boots, 
and  a  silk  hat  worn  at  a  rakish  backward  angle, 
discussed  at  the  horse  show  his  project  of  living 
part  of  the  time  abroad. 

11  Why  shouldn't  one  live  a  lot  abroad?  "  he 
said.  "  They  are  not  so  bad  over  there.  In  dress, 
in  books,  in  plays,  in  music  —  really,  you  know, 
in  nearly  everything  they  are  not  so  bad.  I  fear 
we  underrate  them.  I  fear  we  are  all  too  prone 
to  regard  the  foreigner  as  he  is  regarded  in  the 
story  of  Count  Sans  Terre. 

"  '  Why,  count,'  cried  a  friend,  '  look  at  your 
face!  Such  rapier  cuts!  Don't  you  know  that 
duelling  is  going  out  of  fashion?  ' 

"  '  I  have  not  been  duelling,'  growled  the  count. 
'  It's  my  American  wife.  She  makes  me  eat  with 
a  fork.'  " 

USELESS  TO  TRY 

Needing  some  ribbon  one  day,  while  in  a  very 
small  Southern  town,  we  went  to  the  one  store 
there. 

"  Ribbon? "  questioned  the  storekeeper. 
"  Well,  we-all  just  mislaid  our  stock  of  ribbons, 

78 


but  if  you-all  come  back  later,  I'll  see  if  I  can  find 
them." 

So  back  we  went  later.    He  had  found  them. 

"  What  color  did  you-all  want?  " 

"  Blue,"  we  replied. 

"  Oh,  blue!  "  he  exclaimed  in  disgust.  "  We 
haven't  got  any  blue.  Blue  is  so  popular  we  don't 
even  try  to  keep  it." 

HIS  RIVAL 

It  happened  in  front  of  the  village  post-office. 

An  old  farmer  was  holding  his  frightened  team 
while  an  automobile  rushed  by. 

"  Queer  how  horses  are  so  skeered  of  them 
things,"  said  one  of  the  loafers. 

"  Queer?  "  grumbled  the  farmer.  "  What 
would  you  do  if  you  should  see  my  pants  coming 
down  the  street  with  nothing  in  them?  " 

ANENT  THE  FLEA 

How  doth  the  little  busy  flea 

Delight  to  jump  and  bite ! 
He's  never  where  he  seems  to  be  — 

He's  always  out  of  sight! 
The  things  the  flea  has  done  to  me 

Are  not  a  cause  for  laughter ; 
I've  cussed  him  till  I  plainly  see 

My  place  in  the  hereafter. 
79 


Ji)tvtfn  a  Keto  tout 

A  WILD  THROW 

Judge  M.  W.  Pinckney,  at  a  recent  banquet, 
recalled  an  incident  to  show  that  there  is  some 
humor  associated  with  such  a  serious  thing  as  the 
law.  In  Dawson  City,  a  colored  man,  Sam  Jones 
by  name,  was  on  trial  for  felony.  The  judge 
asked  Sam  if  he  desired  the  appointment  of  a 
lawyer  to  defend  him. 

"  No,  sah,"  said  Sam.  "  I's  gwine  to  throw 
myself  on  the  ignorance  of  the  cote." 


TRY  IT 

Bee  Master  (to  pupil  who  has  just  brushed  off 
bee  which  stung  him)  —  Ah !  You  shouldn't  do 
that;  the  bee  will  die  now.  You  should  have 
helped  her  to  extract  her  sting,  which  is  spirally 
barbed,  by  gently  turning  her  round  and  round. 

Pupil  —  All  very  well  for  you,  but  how  do  I 
know  which  way  she  unscrews? 

A  DULL  DOG 

There  is  a  very  sweet  girl  in  a  Kansas  town 
who  stutters  dreadfully.  One  night  not  long  ago 
when  her  beau  was  leaving,  she  accompanied  him 
to  the  porch  and  said :  "  George,  are  you  coming 
again  next  S-s-s-s-s  —  " 

The  dog  was  on  the  porch.    After  George  was 

80 


half  a  mile  down  the  road,  with  the  dog  gaining 
on  him  at  every  leap,  it  occurred  to  him  that  pos- 
sibly the  young  lady  had  intended  to  say  "  Sun- 
day "  instead  of  "  Seize  him;  "  but  it  didn't  occur 
to  the  dog  for  as  much  as  a  mile  or  so  beyond 
that. 

IMMUNE 

The  Hon.  Tim  Sullivan  of  Tammany  fame  tells 
of  a  young  philosopher  he  encountered  not  long 
ago  on  the  street. 

This  lad  was  of  diminutive  size,  and  carried 
under  his  arm  such  a  load  of  newspapers  that  the 
Hon.  Tim  was  moved  to  pity. 

"  Son,"  asked  the  Tammanyite,  "  don't  all 
those  papers  make  you  tired?  " 

"  Nope,"  cheerfully  replied  the  bit  of  humanity; 
"  I  can't  read." 

THE  ULTRA  RICH 

Mrs.  Richley  had  recently  purchased  a  sub- 
urban estate,  and  was  entertaining  a  poor  rela- 
tion, who  remarked: 
"  What  splendid  fowls !  Do  they  lay  well?  " 
"  Oh,  they  can  lay  beautifully,"  remarked  the 
hostess,  "  but  of  course  in  our  position  they  don't 
have  to." 

81 


COULDN'T  FEAZE  HIM 

While  Governor  Foss  of  Massachusetts  was  in 
the  South  one  winter,  he  met  an  old  colored  man 
who  claimed  he  had  known  George  Washington. 

The  Governor,  quite  amused,  asked  the  old 
fellow  if  he  was  in  the  boat  when  George  Wash- 
ington crossed  the  Delaware.  The  old  man  said : 

"  Oh,  Lor',  massa,  it  was  me  dat  steered  dat 
boat." 

The  Governor,  not  to  be  outdone,  then  asked: 

"  And  do  you  remember  when  George  took  the 
hack  at  the  cherry  tree?  " 

The  colored  man  was  lost  in  thought  for  a  mo- 
ment, then,  with  a  beaming  smile,  he  said: 

"  Why,  suah,  massa,  I  dun  drove  dat  hack 
mahself." 

AN  ORDEAL 

"  Bach  "  Smith  had  been  invited  in  to  look  at 
the  new-born  babe  of  friend  Jones,  and  having 
forgotten  the  sex  of  the  infant  prodigy,  here  was 
his  masterpiece  of  an  opinion: 

"  Well,  well,  but  he's  a  fine  little  fellow,  isn't 
she?  How  old  is  it  now?  Do  her  teeth  bother 
him  much?  I  hope  he  gets  through  its  second 
summer  all  right.  She  looks  like  you,  doesn't  he? 
Every  one  says  it  does."  And  then  fled  precipi- 
tately. 

82 


J&txvu  a  jSftto  (Due 

COUSINS  TO  SOLOMON 

The  story  is  told  of  a  well-known  traveler  who 
on  one  journey  was  much  annoyed  by  a  pedantic 
bore  who  forced  himself  upon  him  and  made  a 
great  parade  of  his  learning.  The  traveler  bore 
it  as  long  as  he  could,  and  at  length,  looking  at 
him  gravely,  said: 

"  My  friend,  you  and  I  know  all  that  is  to  be 
known." 

"  How  is  that?  "  said  the  man,  pleased  with 
what  he  thought  a  complimentary  association. 

11  Why,"  said  the  traveler,  "  you  know  every- 
thing except  that  you  are  a  fool,  and  I  know  that." 

SHE  WAS  WILLING  TO  HELP 

The  charming  wife  of  a  French  diplomat  had 
never  thoroughly  mastered  the  English  language. 
She  was  urging  an  American  naval  officer  to 
attend  a  dinner,  the  invitation  to  which  he  had 
already  declined.  The  lady  insisted  that  he 
must  go,  but  the  young  officer  said  he  could  not 
possibly  do  so,  as  he  had  "  burned  his  bridges 
behind  him." 

The  lady  misunderstood  the  word. 

"That  will  be  all  right,"  she  exclaimed;  "I 
will  lend  you  a  pair  of  my  husband's." 

83 


> 


ft) eve's  a  Keto  <£ue 

HONORABLE  BUT  REMOTE 

A  man  well  past  middle  life,  who  had  spent  his 
years  getting  rich  and  who  had  never  had  any 
time  to  devote  to  the  ladies  and  similar  frivolities, 
began  paying  attention  to  a  certain  young  lady. 
Her  father,  a  prudent  man,  waited  for  what  he 
considered  a  reasonable  time  for  the  suitor  to 
propose.  But  the  suitor  seemed  satisfied  with 
things  as  they  were,  so  father  took  the  matter 
into  his  own  hands.  "  Cyrus,  you've  been  settin' 
up  with  Dora,  takin'  her  to  picnics,  and  to  church 
and  buggy-ridin'  as  though  you'd  had  the  inside 
track.  An'  nothin's  come  of  it.  Now  I'd  like  to 
know  your  intentions,  as  man  to  man." 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  you  as  man  to  man,  and  there 
ain't  no  cause  for  you  to  ruffle  your  shirt.  My 
intentions  is  honorable  —  but  remote." 

GENEROSITY 

A  large,  husky  negro  and  a  small  Frenchman 
were  sawing  a  large  piece  of  timber  for  the  Boston 
subway  with  a  heavy  crosscut  saw,  each  in  turn 
pulling  it  back  and  forth.  A  pugilistic  Irishman 
stopped  to  watch  the  operation.  After  a  few  mo- 
ments he  strolled  up  to  the  negro,  and  dealt  him 
a  blow,  saying:  "  Give  the  saw  to  the  little  fel- 
low if  he  wants  it." 

84 


WHICH  ANIMAL? 

One  afternoon  little  Alice  went  out  for  a  walk 
with  her  mother.  A  very  dirty  organ-grinder  was 
near  the  curb.  He  had  a  long  beard,  and  was 
particularly  unkempt-looking.  The  man  had  a 
monkey  on  a  string,  and  Alice's  mother  gave  her 
a  penny  to  give  to  the  little  animal. 

"  Step  up  to  him  and  give  him  the  penny,"  said 
the  mother. 

Alice  hesitated  for  a  moment,  and  then  turning 
to  her  mother,  asked  very  gravely: 

"  Which  one  shall  I  give  it  to,  mother?  The 
monkey  or  his  father?  " 

COULDN'T  BEAT  THAT 

An  American  was  boasting  to  an  Irishman 
about  the  fastness  of  American  trains. 

"  Why,  Pat,"  said  the  American,  "  we  run  our 
trains  so  fast  in  America  that  the  telegraph  poles 
look  like  a  continuous  fence." 

"  Do  they  now?  "  said  Pat.  "  Well,  sir,  I  was 
wan  day  on  a  train  in  Ireland,  and  as  we  passed 
first  a  field  of  turnips,  then  wan  of  carrots,  then 
wan  of  cabbage  and  then  a  large  pond  of  water, 
we  were  goin'  that  fast  I  thought  it  was 
broth!" 

85 


WHAT  IS  THE  ANSWER 

Senator  Borah  was  talking  at  a  dinner  in  Boise 
about  an  embarrassing  question  that  had  been 
asked  at  Chicago. 

"  The  question,"  he  said,  smiling,  "  went  un- 
answered.   It  was  like  little  Willie's  query. 

"  A  young  gentleman  was  spending  the  week- 
end at  little  Willie's  cottage  at  Atlantic  City,  and 
on  Sunday  evening  after  dinner,  there  being  a 
scarcity  of  chairs  on  the  crowded  piazza,  the 
young  gentleman  took  Willie  on  his  lap. 

"Then,  during  a  pause  in  the  conversation, 
little  Willie  looked  up  at  the  gentleman  and  piped : 

"  '  Am  I  as  heavy  as  sister  Mabel  ?  '  " 

POSITIVE  PROOF 

An  Irishman  and  a  Scot  were  arguing  as  to  the 
merits  of  their  respective  countries. 

"  Ah,  weel,"  said  Sandy,  "  they  toor  down  an 
auld  castle  in  Scotland  and  foond  manny  wires 
under  it,  which  shows  that  the  telegraph  was 
knoon  there  hoondreds  o'  years  ago." 

"Well,"  said  Pat,  "they  toor  down  an  ould 
castle  in  Oireland,  and  begorra  there  was  no  wires 
found  undher  it,  which  shows  that  they  knew 
all  about  wireless  telegraphy  in  Oireland  hun- 
dreds av  years  ago." 

86 


LETTER  WRITING  IS  NOT  A 
LOST  ART 

This  is  a  copy  of  a  real  letter  written  by  a  fresh- 
man at  the  University  of  Kansas  to  the  loved  ones 
at  home: 

"Dear  Mother:  I  must  have  a  gymnasium 
suit  and  a  pair  of  tennis  shoes ;  please  send  them 
to  me.  If  I  get  them  here  I  will  have  to  pay  for 
them  out  of  my  allowance.  Also  send  along  three 
ties,  a  pair  of  gloves,  a  laundry  bag  and  a  loung- 
ing jacket  —  of  course  I  wouldn't  think  of  get- 
ting a  smoking  jacket.  I  am  sending  a  pattern 
for  a  fraternity  pillow,  which  please  embroider 
and  return.  And,  say,  mother,  kindly  slip  me  a 
five  occasionally,  as  Dad  does  not  give  me  a  very 
liberal  allowance.  Now,  you  do  not  deserve  this 
letter,  as  you  have  not  written  this  week,  so  I 
am  not  going  to  write  you  another  word.  Your 
loving  son,  —  " 

HIS  EXPLANATION 

A  Scotchman  visiting  in  America  stood  gazing 
at  a  fine  statue  of  George  Washington,  when  an 
American  approached. 

"  That  was  a  great  and  good  man,  Sandy," 
said  the  American;  "  a  lie  never  passed  his  lips." 

"  Weel,"  said  the  Scot,  "  I  praysume  he  talked 
through  his  nose  like  the  rest  of  ye." 

87 


NATURE  AND  NECESSITY 

Those  who  have  ever  hunted  flats  in  New  York 
know  well  that  till  a  rental  of  five  thousand  or  six 
thousand  dollars  a  year  is  reached  flats  are  in- 
credibly cramped.  Indeed,  in  a  good  neighbor- 
hood even  a  five  thousand  dollar  flat  is  likely  to 
be  a  tiny  one. 

Discussing  this  phenomenon,  Professor  Brander 
Matthews  said  at  a  luncheon: 

"  I  remarked  to  a  lady  the  other  day: 

" '  Why,  madam,  your  dog  wags  his  tail  up 
and  down!' 

"  *  Yes,'  she  replied,  *  he  has  to.  We  are  com- 
paratively poor,  you  see,  and  Fido  was  raised  in  a 
five  thousand  dollar  flat.' " 

MIGHT  AS  WELL  AND  SAVE 
THE  TROUBLE 

The  wealthy  old  lady  was  very  ill  and  sent  for 
her  lawyer  to  make  her  will.  "  I  wish  to  explain 
to  you,"  she  said  weakly,  "  about  disposing  of 
my  property." 

The  lawyer  was  sympathetic.  "  There,  there, 
don't  worry  about  it,"  he  said  soothingly ;  "  just 
leave  it  to  me." 

"  Oh,  well,"  said  the  old  lady  resignedly,  "  I 
suppose  I  might  as  well.    You'll  get  it  anyway." 

88 


Vm?u  a  l$m  (Due 

SHE  DID 

The  young  girl  sat  in  her  bedroom  reading  and 
waiting  impatiently.  Her  older  sister  was  enter- 
taining a  young  man  in  the  parlor  and  she  wanted 
to  know  how  it  would  terminate.  At  last  there 
was  a  sound  in  the  hall,  and  a  crash  as  of  a  closing 
door  made  it  plain  to  the  girl  that  the  young  man 
had  gone.  Throwing  down  her  book,  she  ran  to 
the  head  of  the  stairs  and  peered  eagerly  and 
intently  into  the  blackness  of  the  hall  beneath. 

"Well,  Maude,"  she  called,  "did  you  land 
him?" 

There  was  a  peculiar  silence  and  then  a  mas- 
culine voice  responded: 

"She  did." 

HOW  HE  TOOK  THE  PICKLE 

The  physician  had  been  treating  a  man  for 
dyspepsia  for  a  long  time,  and  finally,  wishing  to 
know  how  his  patient  was  coming  on,  he  told 
him  to  take  a  dill  pickle  just  before  going  to  bed 
and  see  if  he  could  hold  it  on  his  stomach  over 
night.  The  next  day  the  man  called,  and  the 
physician  asked  him  the  result. 

"  Oh,  it  was  all  right,  Doctor,"  he  said,  "  as 
long  as  I  was  awake;  but  when  I  went  to  sleep 
it  rolled  off." 

89 


fctxt'n  a  TSTcto  <S)uc 

A  LEGAL  OPINION 

"  A  cat  sits  on  my  back  fence  every  night  and 
he  yowls  and  yowls  and  yowls.  Now,  I  don't 
want  to  have  any  trouble  with  neighbor  Jones, 
but  this  thing  has  gone  far  enough,  and  I  want 
you  to  tell  me  what  to  do." 

The  young  lawyer  looked  as  solemn  as  an  old 
sick  owl,  and  said  not  a  word. 

"  I  have  a  right  to  shoot  the  cat,  haven't  I?  " 

"  I  would  hardly  say  that,"  replied  young  Coke 
Blackstone.  "  The  cat  does  not  belong  to  you,  as 
I  understand  it." 

"  No,  but  the  fence  does." 

"  Then,"  concluded  the  light  of  law,  "  I  think 
it  is  safe  to  say  you  have  a  perfect  right  to  tear 
down  the  fence." 

THE  DEVOTED  WIDOW 

The  accomplished  and  obliging  pianist  had 
rendered  several  selections,  when  one  of  the 
admiring  group  of  listeners  in  the  hotel  parlor 
suggested  Mozart's  Twelfth  Mass.  Several 
people  echoed  the  request,  but  one  lady  was  par- 
ticularly desirous  of  heajring  the  piece,  explaining 
that  her  husband  had  belonged  to  that  very  regi- 
ment. 

90 


IBert's  a  Kciu  (Due 

THE  CAUTIOUS  SCOT 

A  Scotsman  went  to  a  solicitor,  laid  before  him 
a  question,  and  asked  him  if  he  could  undertake 
the  case. 

"Certainly,"  replied  the  solicitor.  "I  will 
readily  undertake  the  case.    We're  sure  to  win." 

"  So  ye  really  think  it's  a  good  case?  " 

"  Most  decidedly,  my  dear  sir.  I  am  prepared 
to  guarantee  that  you  will  secure  a  favorable 
verdict." 

"  Ah,  weel,  I'm  much  obliged  tae  ye,  but  I 
dinna  think  I'll  go  tae  law  this  time,  for,  you  see, 
the  case  I've  laid  before  ye  is  my  opponent's." 

WAR  ALARM 

Little  Tommy,  at  the  "  movies,"  saw  a  tribe 
of  Indians  painting  their  faces,  and  asked  his 
mother  the  significance  of  this. 

"Indians,"  his  mother  answered, "  always  paint 
their  faces  before  going  on  the  warpath  —  before 
scalping  and  tomahawking  and  murdering." 

The  next  evening,  after  dinner,  as  the  mother 
entertained  in  the  parlor  her  daughter's  young 
man,  Tommy  rushed  downstairs  wide-eyed  with 
fright. 

"  Come  on,  mother,"  he  cried.  "  Let's  get  out 
of  this  quick !    Sister  is  going  on  the  war-path !  " 

91 


GETTING  EVEN  WITH  THE  RECTOR 

An  Episcopal  clergyman,  rector  of  a  fashionable 
church  in  one  of  Boston's  most  exclusive  sub- 
urbs, could  not  be  bothered  with  the  innumerable 
telephone  calls  that  fall  to  one  in  his  profession, 
so  he  had  his  name  left  out  of  the  telephone  book. 
A  prominent  merchant  of  the  same  name,  living 
in  the  same  suburb,  was  continually  annoyed 
by  requests  to  officiate  at  funerals  and  baptisms. 
He  went  to  the  rector,  told  his  troubles  in  a  kindly 
way,  and  asked  the  parson  to  have  his  name  put 
in  the  directory.    But  without  success. 

The  merchant  then  determined  to  complain  to 
the  telephone  company.  As  he  was  writing  the 
letter,  one  Saturday  evening,  the  telephone  rang 
and  the  timid  voice  of  a  young  man  asked  if  the 
Rev.  Mr.  Blank  would  marry  him  at  once.  A 
happy  thought  came  to  the  merchant:  "  No,  I'm 
too  damn  busy  writing  my  sermon,"  he  replied. 

NO  HELP  NEEDED 

"  What  would  you  do  if  I  should  kiss  you?  " 

asked  the  young  man. 
"  Do?  "  said  the  girl.    "  I'd  scream  for  help." 
"  Oh,  don't  bother,"  said  he.    "  I  can  do  it 

without  any  help." 

92 


AN  EXPENSIVE  LIBRARY 

Robert  Ingersoll  was  famous  for  the  library  of 
infidel  books  which  he  possessed.  One  day  a  re- 
porter called  on  Mr.  Ingersoll  for  an  interview, 
and  among  other  questions  asked  was : 

"  Would  you  mind  telling  me  how  much  your 
library  cost  you,  Mr.  Ingersoll?  " 

Looking  over  at  his  shelves  he  answered : 

"  Well,  my  boy,  these  books  cost  me  anyhow 
the  Governorship  of  Illinois,  and  perhaps  the 
Presidency  of  the  United  States !  " 

SIMPLIFIED 

Boston  Five-Year-Old  —  Father,  what  is  the 
exact  meaning  of  the  verse  beginning  "Jack 
Sprat  could  eat  no  fat?  " 

Father  —  In  simple  terms  it  is  as  follows : 
Jack  Sprat  could  assimilate  no  adipose  tissue. 
His  wife,  on  the  other  hand,  possessed  an  aver- 
sion for  the  more  muscular  portions  of  epithe- 
lium. And  so  between  them  both,  you  see,  they 
removed  all  the  foreign  substances  from  the  sur- 
face of  that  utilitarian  utensil,  commonly  called 
platter.    Does  that  make  it  clear,  son? 

Boston  Five-Year-Old  —  Perfectly,  father.  The 
lack  of  lucidity  in  these  Mother  Goose  rhymes 
is  amazingly  apparent! 

93 


Neve's  a  Xeto  #ue 

CHERISHED  MEMENTOES 

Senator  Clapp,  at  a  dinner  in, Washington, 
chuckled  over  the  appearance  before  his  com- 
mittee of  Colonel  Roosevelt. 

"  The  Colonel,"  he  said,  "  certainly  got  back 
at  everybody.    He  reminded  me  of  the  Irishman. 

"  A  friend  of  mine,  traveling  in  Ireland,  stopped 
for  a  drink  of  milk  at  a  white  cottage  with  a 
thatched  roof,  and,  as  he  sipped  his  refreshment, 
he  noted,  on  a  center  table  under  a  glass  dome, 
a  brick  with  a  faded  red  rose  upon  the  top  of  it. 

"  '  Why  do  you  cherish  in  this  way,'  my  friend 
said  to  his  host,  '  that  common  brick  and  that 
dead  rose?  ' 

"  '  Shure,  sir,*  was  the  reply,  '  there's  certain 
memories  attachin'  to  them.  Do  ye  see  this  dent 
in  my  head?    Well,  it  was  made  by  that  brick.' 

"  '  But  the  rose?  '  said  my  friend. 

"  His  host  smiled  quietly. 

"  '  The  rose,'  he  explained,  "is  off  the  grave 
of  the  man  that  threw  the  brick.'  " 

MORE  FITTING 

A  young  lady  and  her  fiance  were  waiting 
for  a  street  car.  After  several  cars  had  passed 
that  they  were  unable  to  get  aboard  the  young 
man  became  impatient.     He  waved  frantically 

94 


at  the  next  car  as  it  hove  in  sight,  then  leaped 
upon  the  platform  and  said  in  a  pleading  voice: 
"Come  on,  Helen;  we  can  manage  to  squeeze 
in  here,  can't  we?  " 

She  blushed  faintly,  but  sweetly  replied: 
"  I  suppose  we  can,  dear,  but  don't  you  think 
we'd  better  wait  until  we  get  home?  " 

NOT  NEEDED 

While  a  traveling  man  was  waiting  for  an  op- 
portunity to  show  his  samples  to  a  merchant  in  a 
little  backwoods  town  in  Missouri,  a  customer 
came  in  and  bought  a  couple  of  night-shirts. 
Afterwards  a  long,  lank  lumberman,  with  his 
trousers  stuffed  in  his  boots,  said  to  the  merchant;: 
"  What  was  them  'ere  that  feller  bot?  " 
"  Night-shirts.    Can  I  sell  you  one  or  two?  " 
"  Naup,  I  reckon  not,"  said  the  Missourian. 
"  I  don't  set  around  much  o'  nights." 

GREAT  CLIMAX 

"  How  was  the  play  you  saw  last  night?  " 
11  Pretty  melodramatic.  In  the  second  act, 
when  the  skulking  villain  descends  upon  Hickory 
Farm  and  forecloses  the  mortgage  on  old  Uncle 
Zeke's  automobile,  there  was  hardly  a  dry  eye 
in  the  house." 

95 


FOR  A  SCENT 

A  grouchy  butcher,  who  had  watched  the  price 
of  porterhouse  steak  climb  the  ladder  of  fame, 
was  deep  in  the  throes  of  an  unusually  bad 
grouch  when  a  would-be  customer,  eight  years 
old,  approached  him,  and  handed  him  a  penny. 

"Please,  mister,  I  want  a  cent's  worth  of 
sausage." 

Turning  on  the  youngster  with  a  growl,  he  let 
forth  this  burst  of  good  salesmanship : 

"  Go  smell  o'  the  hook !  " 

MIGHT  HAVE  BEENS 

"  I  might  have  married  a  millionaire,"  declared 
Everywoman.  "  One  of  my  old  schoolmates  is 
now  one." 

"  And  several  of  your  schoolmates  are  working 
right  in  this  town  for  Sio  a  week,"  retorted 
Everyman,  "  while  one  of  them  is  in  jail.  I  guess 
in  marrying  a  chap  getting  $1,500  a  year  your 
average  is  fairly  good." 

And  then  Everybaby  set  up  a  howl  and  they 
had  to  stop  quarreling  to  attend  to  him. 


96 


L007  351   926  6 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


I  II  I  llll  I  III  II  I 

AA    000  695  474    7 


